Hi everyone.

For those of you who have read my older posts, you will know I have been battling with this my whole life.

But for the first time in my life I told one of my best mates that I think I may be gay. I had a few drinks and his girlfriend was trying to set me up with a work colleague. Recently I have been feeling so stressed out trying to keep up the charade, that I took the plunge and told her I thought I was gay (I couldn't actually bring myself to utter the actual words but I got her to say it and I agreed). I was close to telling my mate myself before I left, and really wish I had done, but I knew she would tell my mate anyway. He sent me a text that night telling me he didn't care and that it didn't change anything.

My mate is a legend and I am so appreciative of him being my mate. The next day I asked to meet him and I talked all day long about my life. But even though I should be relieved he is ok about things, I am still so confused. I think he is also confused now because when I went into more detail about things, he said I may not be gay, although he is accepting of the fact that I may be.

I explained everything to my mate; how I was still a virgin, how I wank off to gay videos, but how I don't actually want to be gay and never have done. I wasn't just saying these things to him, I was saying them because I meant them. If I see my life in the future, I still picture being with a woman. I like the look of women, I like kissing them, cuddling them, even sleeping in the same bed - everything a 'normal' bloke does - apart from being able to perform sexually. I have never gotten as far as 'failing' with a woman but I know myself I cannot get a hardon. When explaining this to my mate he suggested maybe as I am a virgin I have created this problem in my head, resulting in me not being able to get it up. And although I would love to think that was the case, I know in my own head that my cock reacts more to watching gay porn and simply doesn't react to seeing naked women.

Even though I have not had male-on-male sex myself, and tbh I don't think I ever want to become that person who does, I know in my own head I must be gay. But I don't ever see me being in a relationship with a man. I don't ever picture myself kissing or cuddling another man, sharing a bed with a man seems ridiculous and I can't say I actually look at normal men and think they look hot.

I watch gay porn (straight-acting stuff ironically) and I like seeing pictures of footballers/male celebs grabbing their crotch. I have a wank if I see something I like but straight after it I feel I did it out of 'need' rather than 'want'. After the wank I feel I am my true self again, that person who has no interest in men or anything connected to them.

If one of my closest friends can be so accepting of the fact I could be gay, why am I not happy as a pig in shit? If anything I feel ten times worse because when I was speaking to him and telling him how much I wanted all the things in life that most men have (marriage, kids, etc), I was actually close to breaking my heart. That's all I keep thinking about now. I'm not thinking 'yeeha I can kiss men, touch men, sleep with men' or anything like that. I'm thinking I don't want to be here living in this skin.

I don't know what to do next. My mate is there for me and I am so glad of that but I am no happier than I was a few days ago. My head is a mess. Rather than feeling like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders, I actually feel even more depressed and I feel like I could burst into tears at any second. At work I cannot think straight.

How do!

I'm going to be honest, I think you're putting way too much pressure on yourself to be something you think you should be and that you want to be. The sooner you stop trying to put yourself into a category the easier it will be.

I'm bisexual, I know I am because I find both men and women attractive. I had the same issues as you when I got turned on by men. I felt I should have been a certain person, liked a certain thing but the older I get the more it changes.

I continue to date women, I've slept with a few women and love it. I've never slept with a man as I've never felt enough urge to.

If I was to judge the situation purely based on what you've said I'd say you're gay but unhappy with it because you haven't yet accepted it. Perhaps you don't see yourself with a man because you haven't met one you feel you'd get close to. I've only ever met 1 myself. I've met men I've been attracted to, but only one I've thought "Yea I could have a relationship with him, I could kiss him, cuddle him" etc.

Stop pressuring yourself, and enjoy your life. Explore things that will allow you to discover who you are. Date a girl, spend time with her, get close. You never know, you might end up where you feel connected to her like you want to be, but if you're not, so what.

Live the dream

This is only my second post on here, but I felt compelled to reply as I find your situation deeply moving.

I don't think I'm being harsh when I state that there is absolutely nothing you can do to eradicate your feelings. They are as intrinsic a part of you as the colour of your eyes. But being attracted to men doesn't mean you have to subscribe to a culture or an identity that you find uncomfortable, or even untruthful. There are plenty of guys who live a discrete and private life on their own terms, without all of the attendant interest of being in a public gay relationship. The word 'closeted' if often a cruel way of saying 'discrete'. Keep it to a small circle of trusted people if you choose. There's no pressure to fly any kind of banner. Then in a few years you can make it more known, or if not you can continue live a private life. That will be far better than confining your sexuality in such a rigid way.

Also, I suspect that you have never had the experience of being in love. This will happen at some point in your life, unless you lock yourself in a bunker. One day you are going to fall in love. And seeing as though you have had no sexual arousal to a female, it will almost certainly be with another man. The feeling of attraction is so overwhelming that it may prompt you to think about your sexuality as something that is not wholly physical, and as such the cuddling and intimacy that comes with genuine love will be something you are more receptive to.

There are no easy answers. I would suggest that you find a way of accepting your sexuality in a way that is compatible with your life as you live it now. Your friend sounds absolutely amazing. Don't feel like you have to be a character from a Russell T Davis drama. You aren't representing anyone. But feeling like you hate yourself is an intolerable emotion, and it will ultimately damage your mental health. You deserve so much better.

Just take small steps. Take care.

It seems to me that intelligent people are cursed by the need to over-analyse everything.

Don't know if you can but my advice would be to stop thinking about things so deeply and start going with the flow a bit more.

Some very good advice in the first 2 replies!! I wish you all the best

I thought the third reply was good too.

Thanks for all the responses and words of advice/support.

I think confiding in someone has brought a lot of thoughts and feelings to the front that I have been hoarding at the back of my mind all this time.

I haven't had a good sleep since talking to my mate and I wake up with butterflies in my stomach.

The reality of my predicament has overwhelmed me, even though I did think this time would come at some point eventually. It's even harder trying to be the regular 'me' to my family and other mates with all this going on in my head. I want to sream 'if only you knew what i am going through' but then the thought of telling someone else makes me feel physically sick. A huge part of me wishes I hadn't said anything to anyone because even though I wasn't truly happy, I am certainly no happier now. In fact I feel much, much worse.

I actually found myself searching for 'gay cure' in google last night. Typing that sentence alone is bringing tears to my eyes because I feel so pathetic and know it is ridiculous.

I just keep thinking why me? I really don't want this and even though reading all your words gives me some kind of hope, I'm not sure I can be strong enough for all that lies ahead.

Thanks Parsy.

Without wishing to seem unsympathetic, I'm still struggling to get my head round what the 'predicament' is exactly.

Gay, straight or bi, we are what we are and have to make the best of it.

What, as you see it, is the issue?

I agree.
Don't put pressure on yourself to label yourself as anything.

I'm 19. No one knows I'm gay - I say gay. I share a lot problems with the original poster, I have conflicting feelings regarding my own sexuality.

I'm sexually active with men and women. I feel more of a connection with women than men on a certain level, then again I haven't had a total sustained relationship with men. The one man I do like, I don't let go any further because I value friendship over anything else.


I guess what I'm trying to say is don't put pressure on who you are, enjoy life and it will work out. It isn't important.

My issue is I don't want to be gay. I am not comfortable with the idea of me being gay; not now; not ever. But it seems that choice has been taken away from me. Like I said before, I see wanking over gay porn as a need rather than a want.

I don't want to be different. I want to be like my mates, like my brothers, like my dad. I have to deal with all of this on my own and I appreciate some people can be accepting of who they are but I am just not there.

I know no-one can wave a magic wand and make my cock react to women but that's what I want more than anything.

I'm driving myself crazy with these thoughts and feelings and wish I could switch them off but I can't.

I don't see your issue as being gay but rather that at present you want sex more than love. I would say that is fairly common and normal.

I have had periods like that although in the last few years I have gone off sex without emotions.

There is some truth in what Padspin said, you're beating yourself up too much and really for no reason. You're obviously not a bad person and there is no need to believe you are.

Of course talking about things sometimes brings them up to the surface and makes them for the moment less tolerable but I think it is good to have done it still and may be catharthic eventually.

Your mate seems to be sympathetic, it's mostly you yourself who seem overly critical of yourself. Could be that you are depressed.

Your solution is to stop being so self critical, I cannot say who to attain it but that is what you should seek.

PS: OK so perhaps you don't want to be gay, but there is no reason to see yourself as less normal than others, you're just a regular bloke like your mates. You want cock and I think you should just seek it, without any guilt. I'm sure some of your mates will at some point in life try it too or think about it so that won't make you abnormal or all that different.

Mate, my issue is definitely not wanting sex more than love. I just don't want to be gay. I am a virgin and can safely say you don't miss what you haven't had so wanting sex is not the problem. The desire I have is that I want to be able to have sex with a woman.

It's weird but the thrill seems to be watching the gay porn, rather than me fantasising about being in their position. In my present state I have no desire for man whatsoever. But when I get the urge to have a wank I turn to the internet and them I'm back to where I don't want to be.

I know this sounds like I'm trying to convince myself I am not gay but this is how I see things. That's why I find it so hard when people say just accept you are gay; surely I would have the urge to seek man myself when I get the chance? For example, I have contemplated moving away somewhere on my own, not because I want to jump on a man or 'live the dream' but because I just don't want to have to deal with the stress of people trying to set me up with a woman, knowing at the back of my mind that even if I grow to like them the penis won't function.

Gay is just a word.

I guess you're real problem is that you feel bad and unhappy and are not satisfied.

You have urges and want to have different urges.

I guess you could go all sorts of ways: pretend it's not happening, or try to stop seeing it as a problem. Or just continue to suffer.

I dare say this won't resolve itself in a day, but I think it is bad enough you watching gay porn and wanking, without you then being in agony over it. Can't you just decide it's normal and this is just what you have to do to get release?

I mean: on these forums, it's not abnormal, it's what we all do. More or less.

Your friend still likes you. You should take your cue from him.

If you can't come to peace with your feelings then you should most definitely seek professional counseling.
I speak from experience. Back in my uni days I had all kinds of emotional issues going on (including sexual). A combination of group therapy and individual therapy changed my life for the better. Highly recommended.

nakamura, who you are is how you were born. Just accept it.

Nakamura, I think you've really taken the concept of "gay" (whatever that is, because it's a whole heap of different things to a whole lot of people) and turned it onto something much bigger and much more important than it needs to be. Ironically, your desire to not be gay seems to be defining you in a way that just accepting it would not. I'm not for a second trying to say that it's easy, but I do think you need to work on your personal point of view towards your sexuality, which seems to equate being gay with a life-ruining catastrophe. I think Parsy's suggestion is a sensible one, and you should consider it.

You appear to be unable to equate gay with normality. You're being too kind to huamanity if you think the majority of us are "normal". The "normality" you think goes hand in hand with heterosexuality is just a facade - behind that normality lies the quirks, tics, apprehensions, anxieties, fetishes and general oddness that makes everyone different. No one is "normal". The majority of these "normal" people won't give a toss about your abnormality because we're all too preoccupied with our own abnormalities.

Go easy on yourself, you're seriously overthinking things. And do consider Parsy's suggestion; even if you only see someone once or twice and then decide it isn't for you, at least you'll have given it a shot.

Answer me this. What apart from you being gay, or however you want to define yourself, not that you have to, makes you different from your mates, your brothers and your dad?

Are you the same as them in every other way but that?

Being gay doesn't automatically mean you have to adhere to some sort of stereotype or generalised image of being gay and change the way you live or who you are. You can be the same as your straight friends and relatives in every way but who you find sexually attractive. You'll still have all the things in common with them that you did when they didn't know, you'll still like the same things and should have the same relationship with them unless they're bigoted. You'll still face the same difficulties in life when it comes to jobs, money, accommodation and relationships as you would whether you were gay or straight. There's not some magical switch that changes everything depending on your sexuality.

I'm not sure if your main problem is that you see being gay as something that has to change you, that has to make you change almost everything about you and set your sights on different life goals, because that really isn't the case. In the grand scheme of things being gay is just a tiny part of what makes you who you are, and only those who make it in to something big are those who are usually effected by it.

Accept yourself for who you are... I was like this a few years ago when I was 16/18.
Nothing changes if your gay/bi/straight. Live the life you have, socialise have fun and what comes your way take it. Life is a journey you will find what's right for you in time. Don't pressure yourself for what you think, what you have to be. Go with the flow..

I recommend going out and meeting some gay guys via internet or clubbing or whatnot and you'll probably start seeing your life from a different perspective.

Hey, while a lot of what's been said here may be useful to you, I'd like to put forward an approach that a lot of people dismiss out of hand and say "No, can't do that", and that is seeing a counsellor or therapist.

From experience, I know that it can be really useful. For one thing it gives you someone to talk to, someone who is entirely removed from you personally so you don't have to worry about how they will react (annoyance, upset etc), and also, it is highly likely that they will have heard similar things before and, while no two situations are going to be the same they may be able to offer you some objective advice.

Speaking to family and friends is a great thing, but unfortunately you just never know how they will react to what you are saying, especially in a case like yours where you have so many thoughts and feelings all mashed up together. Not having everything clear in your mind is a terrifying thing, but talking to someone with whom you have no personal involvement may be a way forward for you. Someone who will listen while you vent, scream, shout, cry or whatever. It sounds like you need someone who can support you and help you to put some direction and clarity to your thoughts, and hopefully help you end the constant loop of confusion that you seem to be in.

I hope some of this will help. Take care

I had the exact same feelings as u for over 10 years, but i have just recently 'came out' and feel all the better for it. I used to hate the thoughts of being with a man for the rest of my life, i went with women to see if it would help me, but i knew in my heart i was lying to myself an as time went on i learned to accept who i was and how i feel.

What im trying to basically say is that you wont get rid of these feelings over night and until you learn how to accept the person you are then you will constantly beat yourself up over it. But in time you will find your true self whether it be gay/bi or straight and you will be proud of it.

Labeling yourself isnt going to help your problem... Your as normal as the rest of us, dont think for a second that what your doing isnt right. You are who you are and you cant and should not change that. I understand its difficult, especially with society today havin negative impact on the gay community. They expect every1 to live by certain standards and if u dont live by their rules your wrong. Its bullshit and you shouldnt feel threatened by any1 else's demands.

Like your friend, mine were very receptive and supportive, i couldnt have a better bunch of people around me. Maybe with the help of ur friend, you should speak to others, you dont necessarily have to tell them your feelings, but try and gage their reactions towards gay people in general, maybe if u realise how accepting ur friends amd family can be, it will help you accept you for who you are.

I wish you the best and hope u work things out :-)