Not sure if this is the right place to discuss a topic like this, so if it isn't, feel free to remove it.

My best friend has no idea that I'm heartbreakingly in love with him, needless to say, he's straight and has a little boy. We're both 23. We have all been though this, and I've reached that point where I can't hold my feelings back.

Any suggestions at all on how to deal with this, maybe some of you who experienenced this aswell??

I'd continue to hold you feeling back, falling for straight people is never nice, and given he has a child its not likely he's going to sweep you off your feet and feel the same way.
Telling him has a high chance of ruining the friendship so I'd just keep it to myself if I was you.
And is should be in agony but I'm sure a mod will just move it.

This should be in agony.
Given it's a hopeless case there is no better advice than to suck it up and get over it.
Try to meet other gay people you can hang out with and cut back the time you spent with him if it's too much to handle for you.
Over time it should get easier.
Don't even think about telling him.

dammit cbb!

Been there, done that.

Cry, stay away from him, and you'll get over him. Eventually.

And painfully.

There was a post about this same sort of issue a few months back. When I read that one, the replies made me very angry...


So let me see if I've understood this right.

Youse are saying that he should basically burn his bridges/smash his friendship into a thousand pieces/move abroad/only hang out with gay dudes.

Because... the risks are too high??
Because... the OP will want to do something silly (and regrettable) to his mate??
That basically... he should shut up, and keep his feelings (and emotions) to himself, and live his life under a stone??
Which is what gay guys had to do not that many years ago.

Is that the best advice you can give??

Whilst I do agree he should not tell his mate he *loves* him (the consequences are too unpredictable, unless he knows him *really* well), I don't agree that he should either keep his distance/break it off, or completely closet his feelings. Why should he feel guilty about having feelings for his mate?? They may only be temporary, anyway.

You just need to be extremely cautious, and subtle. But you should (be able to) let your appreciation for a mate show. As long as you don't overplay it/get too close. Don't expect too much, obviously. And maybe look at finding a bf of your own (obv. a better idea long-term).


OP: I'm guessing your mate has *no* idea about your sexuality?? Have you been closeted, or has your mate just not guessed/read the signs??

Well, staying around or close to someone you love to bits and who will never return those feelings will hurt you. As i said, I'm talking from experience. i was blind for 10 long years and believe me it wasn't easy. And i managed to get over him the hard way

Well, true, true. But I'm the sort of guy who... basically, I have this sort of... it's like I hate being deprived of something, or someone. Whether it's just their company, or the pleasure of just being able to see and speak to (and admire) them. So I would find the absence thing a wrench.

But you do need some sort of distance. There's a guy I fancy at work. Actually, I'm quite nutty about him, think about him (at home) a lot. But there are some important differences. He's quite a bit (10yrs) younger than me, he doesn't live near me, we don't socialise much, and I think his interests are sufficiently different to mine to make me not want to bother.

I'd still give him my last Rolo, though.

Cradle snatcher!

I know, but he's a beaut, really is.

Furry chested, too.

I don't get your point Jumbler.
It looks like you basically give the same advice but you just sugarcoat it more.
And what has being gay to do with it?
I would give the same advice to woman who is in love with a married guy.
I think you're being too sensitive. You can't have it all in life and sometimes trying to or even just talking/thinking about it makes a situation worse, unnecessarily raises hope or pulls people into a problem which is your own. It's selfish and self-harming.
Sometimes you just have to suck it up.
Sorry but everything else is childish.

I used to be in love with my best friend.

We never had a relationship, we didn't marry, we never stopped being friends.

He is still my best friend.

To be fair, Jumbler, Astron never said the OP should stop seeing his friend, just spend less time with him if it was too hard to handle. Which I think is fair enough. And true.

I guess the OP is mostly wondering whether he should tell his friend about his feelings.

This is a tough question to which I have have some points that may or may not be useful.

1. It's very unlikely that telling your friend will result in a 'fairy-tale ending' or a romance. When I say unlikely, I mean less than 0,1% likelihood, so that that is clear.

2. Possibly the friend already knows. (You think he doesn't, I will suggest that perhaps he pretends he doesn't because he doesn't want you to bring it up)

3. Possibly the friend will be most understanding. (A friend is a friend, after all)

4. Telling the friend will not make him develop feelings he doesn't have.

5. Telling him and going on about it, or being hurt because he doesn't reciprocate, might hurt the friendship.

6. You might ponder whether you're telling him for your own sake or his. He probably would prefer you not to. Nobody really likes people that they are not in love with being in love with them. Particularly not their friends.

I guess it all comes down to considering options.

1. What do you gain? Is there any possible gain?

2. Are you doing this for you, or him, or for both of you?

3. Are you harassing him by loving him? Are you being selfish?

Remember too, there are always other guys. Even in my case, with my friend being a man in thousands, I still eventually met another one just as good or even better; I wouldn't have thought that possible at the time though. It might take time, but it will happen.

I wouldn't recommend that. It is way too painful. Stay friends.

And don't assume he is straight until you really know.

His friend has a kid, assuming that came about 'the old fashioned way' how much more proof do you need?

Is that when he has 2 kids then?

Well he could be Bi.

or the type that hates the idea of being gay so much they get married and have kids to fit in.

Yeah but people who think like that come across as deluded.

Yes.
I'm sure that 98.7% of men with female partners and kids are doing that.

I'm in the same boat as the OP.

It's not easy, and at 31 you'd think I'd know better by now, but we can't help who we fall for.

Sorry to hear it!!

I thought that was excellent advice from PUllio. I agree with him.

I did tell him. While he said he knew I was gay he was shocked when I told him I was in love with him. And that was it. He began asking me many questions, there was lots of banter and slagging about that. I never minded.

But some years later we shared an apartment and he began to treat me like an asshole. I couldn't understand why he was behaving that way. I was more or less over him by then, but such behaviour finally did it. We sort of fell apart after that, though things got a bit better later.

We are still best mates, we call each other regularly. He was disppointed when I told him I wasn't going for Christmas, but I'll stay in his place when I go home in spring. That should be good.