Hi everyone,

I've spoken about this in a post before on here, and it basically got ridiculed and I was called disgusting so it completely didn't help - so I'm begging someone help me. This post does having some "gross" stuff in it, so if you're going to call me disgusting then please don't bother to comment because I'm genuinely upset about this and would like some advice.

I'm 21, and whilst i've had a "healthy" sex life, I rarely enjoy it at all. My longest "relationship" if you can call it that, is 3 weeks and other than that the sex I have had has been one night stands.

My first issue is that I find it extremely difficult to cum. When a guy is wanking/sucking me off it never feels as good as if I do it myself, but even if I do it myself it takes a while to get in the zone and finally cum - if at all. I do watch porn and I'd say I probably masturbate 3 times a day minimum... I've heard this is a lot and probably the reason why I can't cum, but when I am watching porn and masturbating I can cum in a few minutes, several times a day, however if I don't wank and then sleep with someone I still find it very difficult. This adds a lot of pressure on me, I start to panic that they are probably wondering why I can't cum, I then get extremely paranoid and just don't feel sexy at all, can't relax and just end up wishing the whole ordeal was over with. Should I self-impose a ban on porn?

My second issue is where it gets a bit "gross" so if you are offended easily then please stop reading. I have an absolutely massive fear of bottoming. The first time I lost my virginity was on a one night stand to a guy I didn't know, and I bottomed. I went to the toilet before, but didn't feel like I needed to go and couldn't "go". I then bottomed and it was a bit "messy" ... not everywhere but there were traces of it and I found it so excruciatingly embarrassing I upped and left there and then. The next time I bottomed I again went to the toilet before hand but didn't really feel like I needed to go, and again it was a bit messy. I was again completely horrified and embarrassed. I've managed to talk about this in "code" to some of my friends... talking about "my friend who had this horrible experience". they say it shouldn't happen and they have never had that happen to them.

I then didn't bottom for over a year and then when I had my 3 week "relationship" I decided to give it another go, because I really liked him. I went to the toilet before hand, managed to "go" and so thought maybe for once it might all be okay and my horror days were over. He started to have sex with me and it was fine at first (despite the fact that it hurt like fuck having not done it in a year!!) but then suddenly he said "we have to stop..." and there were some traces on the condom.

what the fuck am i doing wrong? it's so embarrassing and completely demotivating and i personally do think its disgusting and vile and it's made me absolutely petrified of sex that I cannot relax in the bedroom at all. I've read online that you know when you need to "go" to the toilet, however I can never tell and I just think what is it i'm doing wrong?

I know you'll probably suggest to try douching but how can I tell when I am going to have sex? and how long does it last? how do you time it right??

I know I probably sound completely stupid and vile right now and I'm bracing myself for loads of torment like last time but I'm just praying there's someone out there that can help.

I can't think of what else to write so if you have any further questions that you think might help please ask, I'll keep this thread open looking for replies.

Thanks x

First the issue about cuming. The problem that you describe is not that unusual. A lot of guys have that problem and just deal with it.

I had a friend who had exactly the same problem that you describe. He j/o'd several times a day to porno without a problem. But he could not cum with a date or his bf of four years. He did frequent male prostitutes with whom he had no problem cuming. So I asked him one day what the difference was between a date/bf and a prostitute. He told me that he was paying the prostitute and there was no pressure on him to perform so therefore he could. In the date/bf situtation he felt pressure to perform and therefore couldn't. He was also in psychotherapy and a psychologist once told him that his inability to cum with someone was a subconscious unwillingness to give of himself. Everybody's situation is different and you may or may not be able to relate to my friend's experience. But until you come to terms with it you may find consolation in knowing that you are not alone in having this problem.

Also, there should be no need for you to have to cum when having sex with a guy. I have no problems with that, yet sometimes when having sex I'm perfectly happy to have the other guy cum and I tell him that I don't need to cum this time. It's never awkward. So you may be able to relieve the pressure by realizing that you don't have to cum if you're not up for it. The best sex is about satisfying the other person anyway.

I don't have a lot to offer with the bottoming problem as I'm not big on anal sex anyway. (I'll top a guy if he wants it though.) Perpaps others can help more on that. But my question for you is do you enjoy bottoming if it were to go well or do you enjoy anal sex at all? Maybe you'll be happier being a top or even passing on anal sex altogether (as many do) and having fun with other techniques.

You should be able to find some of the answers you are looking for here:

http://www.gmfa.org.uk/sex/bettersex/index.html

(or type "GMFA" into your search engine)

Hope this helps!

Hey
Difficulty in cumming-This has happened to me before. I think the way I got rid of it was firstly to build my confidence in sexual situations, getting rid of the nerves. I also gave up smoking. I also found the person who I was with was a big factor, even if I quite liked them but there was something about them that bothered me it could make it harder to cum. I never had difficultly in my long term relationships because I felt so comfortable with that person. Maybe think about/try any of these?
Anal- For me I just put this down as normal. It happens. It has happened to me bottoming, and topping. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't. Some people on here will advise things like don't eat for a day beforehand, douche etc, but I've always found that too much effort, and as you said in your post, isn't foolproof. I'm not into anal massively, just as happy wanking each other off/bjs, if my way around it. If you've got to have anal, just face this is a risk.

But yes, you are young, I think things will improve with experience/age.

I understand that when bottoming, that you should go to the toilet 2-3 hours before the sex rather than just before.

I have a question for you?

When you have sex with a guy , is it just wanking/sucking off you do? Do you do any foreplay? I.e licking, kissing, dirty talk etc? That can make sex more enjoyable so that you can build yourself up to cum. Also makes sex last longer.

One night stand sex I used to find varied. Sometimes i'd be so up for it and then when I got to it , I would be tired and want to get it over with, Perhaps it's the situation you find yourself in with the one nightstand or whoever. Do you feel rushed? and expected to perform? Maybe that's why you are not enjoying it. I would not say that you will not ever enjoy sex, just sounds like to me the setting and he situation may not be right. Another thing might be if you have had a few drinks. That can cause problems with cummimg, you may feel the need to pee half way through and then you end up having to stop , that's happened to me before,

As far a the anal sex goes , yeah i am in the camp that doesn't really like it. Gay sex is not just about anal sex and if you dont want it, you are entitled to say. I would say don't feel that just because you don't want to have anal sex, that makes you somehow rubbish, I think there are lots of other things that can be fun.

Firstly, thank you all for responding so nicely and with no judgement - I feel a lot better already!

@ParsifalNYC - I think part of it may be that I am not completely comfortable, I've only ever managed to hold down a relationship for 3 weeks so think I have this mind set that something is "wrong" with me. I will try to be more relaxed and care-free and see if that helps.

When you say there is no need to cum, maybe I have just had bad experiences. With the guy I was with for three weeks, I once tried that and I made him cum, then I said that I was fine and didn't need to cum but was glad I had made him feel good, and that I still enjoyed it, and he acted all strange like I was weird for saying that and said that because I didn't cum I didn't make him feel attractive.

Also, I do enjoy receiving anal sex, it's just that I am constantly paranoid about it being messy that I'm scared of doing it.

@Phoenix19 - thank you for the link! I actually stumbled across their website just before I posted and it mainly mentions douching, however I was determined that not everyone douches... hence why I posted here - I will have a more in depth look at their website though, thanks

@kliqkliq - Thanks for the reply, I think I do need to build my confidence in sexual situations, as I often to feel a bit nervous.. possibly cause form the word go im too busy hoping I cum rather than thinking about the enjoyment!

@Loose Cannon - Yes, I do often to foreplay... normally kissing and touching through clothes, kissing necks etc and then go into hand and oral play... ive never tried dirty talk though, i always feel a bit silly.. maybe its lack of confidence!

I 100% always feel expected to perform, and often guys want to cum but I can tell they are holding off because I can't cum yet and that makes me feel even more pressured to cum quickly so that they can then cum... I just don't want them to think that I'm "faking" having a good time because I can't cum

Come to think of it.. most of the one night stands I have had (and i havent actually had that many!!) were when I have been out drinking and all of my sexual experiences (apart from when I was with that guy for 3 weeks) were when I have been drunk - do you think this could be something to do with it?

bobsleighman, drinking could affect you sexually.
Maybe you could look at having just a drink or two, rather than getting drunk (if that's what you sometimes do).

You really seem to want to work through this, so that boes well for a solution.

I was going to suggest stop wanking for a while but you mention that when you try that, it still takes you a long time. But what is a long time to you? As you take a few minutes to cum by yourself, is five minutes more too long in your mind when you are with someone? Are you pressuring yourself to cum quickly so that you don't keep your man waiting? Get him involved. Have him kiss you whilst you are wanking or hold on to his biceps or something. They work for me.

I don't think porn helps though. I'm no psychologist but it seems to me you're training your brain to watch sex from the outside rather than as a participant. If you repeat anything too much your brain will condition itself to always need that stimuli to complete the action.

Jeez, it's taken me thirty minutes as I kept rewriting this to make it sound at least plausible. Maybe I'm talking a load of bollocks anyway.

Hey,

I know what you mean, it can be a gross out. Why not just kiss and wank and suck, you don't need to do anal.

If you can't come, just say "sorry I'm really nervous and thinking about it too much". It doesn't matter, just a little wank thinking about it the next day.

SORTED

A lot of people have very weird and immature ideas. You can't help that.

If your comfortable with a person, then there's no need to be embarrassed about traces of chocolate. If they want to engage in anal sex with you, then surely they shouldn't be too surprised about it being a bit muddy up there.

Bobsleighman

A question about being "messy" when "bottoming" (how polite this all is!)

When you empty your bowels normally are you prone to leaving 'skid marks' on the bottom of the toilet? In other words are your stools a bit on the runny side? If so, this will mean you are more likely to have a muddy back passage compared with a guy who has to strain a bit and lays a few firm sausages down the pan, or even a load of peanuts!

You may wish to consider altering (or at least experimenting) to firm up your stools a bit. Perhaps you eat a lot of fruit or drink too much. Research the internet to see what you should be eating.

If your stools normally are firm to hard you should not get the situation that you find so embarrassing.

Best reply ever.

I think good sex happens only under certain circumstances, mainly between people who are relaxed. Generally, I prefer sex with people I've known for a while. Three-weeks may be a bit soon, but there's no definitive time as I've had great sex with people I've know for less time. The people who I had sex with and enjoyed it without knowing them well did almost all eventually turn out to be good long term friends or people I've dated, so my best guess is that we both shared something. Having good sex together helped, but it was probably something we both bought to it that made the difference, probably that we both made an effort and were interested in each other. Sure, sex is a very self indulgent thing, but treating other people fairly matters too. Some people who have one night stands are too much in it for themselves and others are not, it depends really.

Anyway, main point is relax and try again perhaps with someone you know better and have more of a connection with. Great sex with the same person ten times totally beats uncomfortable sex with ten different people! Being more open to new things, but also letting them know what you like matters too. If someone is doing things differently to how you would, try to enjoy it as a new experience, but also let them know what you do and don't like. Positive feedback is best, but occasionally you have to be a little more instructive too. Ask them what they like too and be encouraging that they tell you what they like. It's good if they're comfortable and in turn you'll be more relaxed too.

As for anal sex, it's not enjoyed by everyone, a lot of people don't do it and can be a bit too much too soon the first time you have sex with someone anyway. The mess issue is pretty common, I actually don't know if I believe your friends who say it never happened to them.