I've spoken about this in a post before on here, and it basically got ridiculed and I was called disgusting so it completely didn't help - so I'm begging someone help me. This post does having some "gross" stuff in it, so if you're going to call me disgusting then please don't bother to comment because I'm genuinely upset about this and would like some advice.
I'm 21, and whilst i've had a "healthy" sex life, I rarely enjoy it at all. My longest "relationship" if you can call it that, is 3 weeks and other than that the sex I have had has been one night stands.
My first issue is that I find it extremely difficult to cum. When a guy is wanking/sucking me off it never feels as good as if I do it myself, but even if I do it myself it takes a while to get in the zone and finally cum - if at all. I do watch porn and I'd say I probably masturbate 3 times a day minimum... I've heard this is a lot and probably the reason why I can't cum, but when I am watching porn and masturbating I can cum in a few minutes, several times a day, however if I don't wank and then sleep with someone I still find it very difficult. This adds a lot of pressure on me, I start to panic that they are probably wondering why I can't cum, I then get extremely paranoid and just don't feel sexy at all, can't relax and just end up wishing the whole ordeal was over with. Should I self-impose a ban on porn?
My second issue is where it gets a bit "gross" so if you are offended easily then please stop reading. I have an absolutely massive fear of bottoming. The first time I lost my virginity was on a one night stand to a guy I didn't know, and I bottomed. I went to the toilet before, but didn't feel like I needed to go and couldn't "go". I then bottomed and it was a bit "messy" ... not everywhere but there were traces of it and I found it so excruciatingly embarrassing I upped and left there and then. The next time I bottomed I again went to the toilet before hand but didn't really feel like I needed to go, and again it was a bit messy. I was again completely horrified and embarrassed. I've managed to talk about this in "code" to some of my friends... talking about "my friend who had this horrible experience". they say it shouldn't happen and they have never had that happen to them.
I then didn't bottom for over a year and then when I had my 3 week "relationship" I decided to give it another go, because I really liked him. I went to the toilet before hand, managed to "go" and so thought maybe for once it might all be okay and my horror days were over. He started to have sex with me and it was fine at first (despite the fact that it hurt like fuck having not done it in a year!!) but then suddenly he said "we have to stop..." and there were some traces on the condom.
what the fuck am i doing wrong? it's so embarrassing and completely demotivating and i personally do think its disgusting and vile and it's made me absolutely petrified of sex that I cannot relax in the bedroom at all. I've read online that you know when you need to "go" to the toilet, however I can never tell and I just think what is it i'm doing wrong?
I know you'll probably suggest to try douching but how can I tell when I am going to have sex? and how long does it last? how do you time it right??
I know I probably sound completely stupid and vile right now and I'm bracing myself for loads of torment like last time but I'm just praying there's someone out there that can help.
I can't think of what else to write so if you have any further questions that you think might help please ask, I'll keep this thread open looking for replies.