Hey guys

In the grand scheme of things I know this isn't as big as some of the other problems on here but I'd really like to get some advice on what I can do about my current living situation. Sorry - this will turn out to be one huge rant!!!!

Three years ago my mum, my uncle (her brother) and I bought a house together. We were all renting and, at the end of the tenancy, decided it'd be best to buy a house together. My mum is in her late 40s and works part time so she didn't stand much chance of getting a mortgage on her own (nor did my uncle who's in his late 30s) and I thought it'd be a good investment. At the time I clearly stated that so long as I pay my third of the mortgage every month, it wouldn't mean I'd necessarily have to live there.

Anyway, three years on and the house is just incredibly tense. The house is in negative equity, needs redecoration and we're still all living together but it feels worse than living at 'home with a parent' - it actually feels like I'm a married man with chores and responsibilities. For example, the house is in need of decoration so every weekend I get nagged by my mum to do DIY, do the weekly shop on Saturdays etc,. My uncle gets nagged too but it's easier for him to tell my mum to bugger off as he's only her brother. I accept I have to help out as I have an investment in the house but I'm finding it so hard to get motivated.

In fairness to my mum she does do the laundry and will clean up (as do I) and she looks after my gran and grandad so I do understand she get's tired ... But I'm really resenting the situation. I'm now in my late 20s and feel like I've never had a day of fun in my whole life. I never did the whole 'uni' experience as I lived at home during university and throughout my early 20s I never really went out with mates etc. I'm now at the stage where I want to have fun before I get into my 30s and look to settle down. I try to explain my feelings to my mum but she just says 'well, I'm in the same position - I don't go out either' ....

Sadly, that's not it - Two years ago my mum wanted a dog - she'd previously had one for the best part of 20 years and thought it was the right time to get one now we had a permanent base. I remember saying to her it's a huge commitment - both in time and cost. In all honesty my mum preformed and had a tantrum so I bought her a very expensive large breed dog (her choice) and two years on, he's proved to be such a huge handful. So on top of the family stuff going on we also have a demanding dog who requires constant supervision. My mum constantly nags at me to help out more with the dog but as much as I love him, I'm resentful of the fact that it was HER decision to get him, not mine. I pay for the vets, often the dog food (which is a very expensive brand) and I've even recently paid for a 'dog whisperer' to come out to help train him - but my mum keeps ignoring the advice!

I admit I don't help out as much as I could with the dog but I just don't want to take on this responsibility - I recently had two weeks off from work and couldn't do anything as I had to supervise the dog. I've also been studying for a qualification over the last two years and I'm sick and tired of my mum/uncle using that against me as an excuse for not helping out with the dog.

Perhaps worse that this though (and what's really annoyed me this morning) are the bills. When we moved in we agreed that everything would be split three ways - which neatly worked out at me and my uncle paying the mortgage and my mum paying the bills. This morning several cancelled direct debit and bill reminders came through - when I asked my mum she became defensive. This isn't a one off occurrence - it's been a three year battle as she just cannot handle money. She's saddled with debt and don't see how it affects me and my uncle - whenever I tackle her with it she shrugs it off and says 'I've always been shit with money ... I can't change now'.

I've tried speaking to my uncle about this but he's now in his late 30s, very much a hermit and doesn't want to know. As long as he pays his mortgage share he doesn't care. His salary has taken a huge nose-dive in the recession too.

I just don't know what to do. I've worked really hard at my career and touch wood, I now earn enough to pay my share of the mortgage plus live somewhere else. But last year I lived with a mate for a while and found myself staying at my house out of guilt due to the dog, family finances etc. Throughout that time as well as paying rent to my housemate, I continued to pay c£200 for my mortgage share and another £250 for the family bills too!

I feel like I've got a huge albatross around my neck with the house - I can't simply move out and give just the mortgage money every month as the bills won't get paid. But if I stay I get nagged to do my 'chores', look after a dog I never wanted (though do love now), and watch my money dripping away each month as I catch up with the bills my mum missed. I also buy an incredible amount of food every month too - in truth, I don't know where my money is going. It wouldn't be so bad if I could save up to buy a house of my own. Not only that, but my mum hates me being gay so I could never bring friends over or have a boyfriend, and I never get my own space as both my mum and uncle are hermits.

I've also offered to take on the house and buy them out and let my mum and uncle live on their own but neither of them could afford to live on their own (or take the dog with either of them).

So I'm stuck and before I get much older I really really want to find a solution (other than winning the lottery) on what I can do to tackle these problems!

Rant over ... thanks guys! Sorry for troubling you!

Quick question: Is the mortgage in joint (ie all three) names?

Sounds like a nightmare.

I can't stand dogs (or parents).

It's almost like you have had to become the parent, being the main breadwinner and having to say "yes you can have a dog, but you have to look after it."

Can your mum get a few more hours at work, so she can pay her share?

The way things are, it sounds like years until you can get out of the arrangement.

So you've got to talk to them both.

Actually it's not ... the twist is at the time of applying my name didn't go on the mortgage application as I had moved jobs and defaulted on a credit card a few years back after university (it's all paid off now!) ... so my mortgage broker inflated my uncle's salary to compensate. The house isn't very expensive however and between the three of us the mortgage each month works out as c200 each.

So in summary, although I pay into the house every month I'm not actually on any paperwork - though I could never imagine simply not paying my share of the mortgage.




Thanks Yorkshire Guy It wouldn't be so bad if my mum was better organised with her finances but she just doesn't seem to care. And as she looks after my gran (and her dog!) she always tells me that she hasn't got enough time to do more work and if anything, should drop a day or so!

Maybe I'm just being unreasonable.

That's your bargaining chip though...

What with your Mum just dismissing things with the "I've always been bad with money" and your Uncle really not getting involved - you need to have some straight talks with them and sort some things out, or walk away (or at least tell them that you will walk away).

IMO, your uncle has stayed as he was and paid his share so he's kept his part of the bargain.

Your mum has nagged you, failed to pay her dues and not looked after to dog.

I think you need to tell her that it's not on. You need to tell her why you aren't happy, what her contribution to your unhappiness is, how it makes you feel and what you want to happen.

If you moved out, could they get a lodger?

Also, I think a fairer way of sharing bills and mortgage is a third of everything each, as the bills that your mum is due to pay, might exceed the mortgage.

Look at it as you have paid 3 years rent. Find another place to live and give up your share of the house. Hopefully moving out will give you your own life and you can have proper relationship with your mum. Will be difficult to do but you need to do it for yourself. If the house is in negative equity you are not walking away from anything worth having. If your room is empty a lodger could be found to make up for the lose of your income into the house. At the moment this whole situation sounds unhealthy for you and your mother.

MOVE OUT! It'll be difficult and you probably won't speak to each other for a while but they're taking advantage of you. Give them a time period, say your moving in 2 months and find somewhere to rent and don't pay them a penny more. They're grown ups they'll survive. I think you deserve to start putting yourself first.

Sounds like Michael's exact situation from Queer as Folk lol...

My advice would be to sit down with your mum and uncle, have a good talk about your roles and responsibilities within the house, and most importantly to let your mum know you are her son, not her psuedo husband. Good luck with it all!

Get out before you turn into Ronnie Corbett's character from Sorry!

Language Timothy!!

Sorry, but your Mum sounds like some sort of fag-smoking wine-sodden loser out of "Shameless." Even in her late forties, it's about time she started behaving like an adult.

Let's be clear:
The dog is not your problem.
The unpaid bills are not your problem.

You have been keeping your part of the agreement. It's about time she started keeping hers.

PS You CAN simply move out. That's precisely what you need to do - and the sooner the better.

some sound advice here already!
Sit your mum down and tell her how you feel and that you want to move out and have your own life. Give her a good 3 months notice, that way she can find a lodger if need be. And stick to your deadline.
Good luck!

I would not dissent from the "get out of the house" and "bollock your mother" replies but clearly if you move out and don't pay the £200 per month you currently pay, your mother and uncle may be up shit creek without the proverbial paddle.

So your tough talk to your Mum may need to be accompanied by a (joint?) visit to Citizen's Advice to give her a plan....(the lodger idea sounds good).

Anyway, it's a ball-breaking thing to have to do so !

Other than paying his third, does your uncle do anything towards the house?

Sounds like he's on a cushy number too.

Not to speak for dommers but he says above that uncle pays his £200 a month; is currently down in terms of pay due to the recession; is a "hermit"; only expects to pay his whack of the mortgage and makes no further contribution;and ignores his sister's requests/demands for help.

But yeah, I agree he also needs to be put on the spot. If dommers doesn't pay in he needs to find an extra £100. And there is no reason why he should not do the decorating and help in the house.

Hi guys

I just wanted to say thank you for all your advice! I know you're all correct but to be honest I think I carry a lot of guilt about my sexuality so really don't want to confront my mum (again) ... I've started to look at my own finances again to see what I can do to make my wages go further - and I'm taking charge of the bills to negotiate better deals etc (thank you moneysavingexpert.com lol!)

will keep you all updated x

(btw, lol, I probably will turn into Timothy from Sorry!)

Language Timothy!!

You only get one chance at life and it ends really quickly. You want no regrets.

You need to start enjoying your life before its too late.

Your mother may say 'i never go out either...' but she should want better for her child.

Square up to her with your thoughts, if you get nowhere, leave. Its tough love, but you deserve your happiness.

It's entirely normal for you to want your own place, you shouldn't feel bad about it. Most people as they get in to their 20s decide to move out and it's usually a good thing for them. Sometimes to live alone, but often they live with friends and/or a partner, but this too is good because it's different to with a parent. The relationship you have with these people is potentially much more equal, you're more likely to find compromises and you can agree on certain rules before moving in together regarding responsibilities and money.

You also get to choose who you live with. Your family might be great, but their idea of a perfect house and how to live might not be the same as yours. I just don't believe the choice of living with them or not should be tied up with any opinion of how much you like them or not. I get on really well with my mum and really do care about her, but I don't want to live with her as she is reclusive and doesn't like many visitors and has issues with unplanned stuff happening. It's all a bit too restricted and regimented. I prefer to live in much the opposite way and there's nothing wrong with this, it's just a matter of who you are and how you want to live. There's no right or wrong way, but it certainly helps if you live with people who have similar ideas of how to live.