My partner is very into holding hands. He said he first thought i was special because we held hands very early on.

At a club, he usually gets a lot of attention which he quite enjoys. I enjoy dancing but i never dance when its just us two cause he never wants to dance with me. But when people flirt with him, he is more than likely to dance with them while I stand on the side. Recently at the club, he was holding hands with this guy who was obviously interested in him. They were holding hands tightly and chatting with each other. He made no effort to remove the other guy hand.

I got upset and he goes that he was drunk and it was the guy that was interested in him. He said there was nothing he could do about it. He did not feel remorseful for his actions. Not one bit.

Do i have a right to be upset over this? How would you guys feel?

ps. this is a monogamous long term 2 relationship

I'd be more upset that he's flirting and dancing with other guys, whilst your left standing at the side. Can't be fun for you watching him get attention from strangers. Maybe avoid going to clubs, unless there's a group of you going.

It's good for couples to have a night off from each other and do their own individual things, although you'd probably end up paranoid if your partner went to a night club on his own.

Have you asked him why he doesn't like dancing with you, is he embarrassed by your dance moves.

Perhaps you can find other places where you can go together that doesn't involve you being sidelined.

You have every right to be upset, surprise you didn't go over and intervene.

thanks for your response!

When i ask him to dance, he just goes that he is not in the mood. He tells me to go dance by myself (but whats the fun in that!!!)

When other ppl are there, he jumps straight in to dance.

WIth the flirting, i initially got upset. But he said ppl are flirting with him and he can not control it. But he stands there talking on and on with them. Sometimes with me right next to him and he doesnt even acknowledge that he has a partner!

Of course there was. He could have politely told the other guy that he has a partner and is not interested in that way.


Not true. It is likely that he invites the flirting.

You might as well accept that this is how the relationship is and this is how it's going to be.
Either embrace it or drop him.


This is not normal for a monogamous LTR. And it doesn't sound to me like it's monogamous or will be for much longer.

I think he's going too far and you should tell him how you feel.
Dancing with other people in a club and with a some tactile gestures is one thing, but holding hands and flirting is another.

I think it's disrespectful, he should know how it must make you feel seeing him behaving like that? If he doesn't then that's not a good sign. How would he feel if you were acting like that?

he knows for a fact i dont get as much attention as he does and he plays on that. He says "well if someone does flirt with you, make sure you get them to buy you a drink so that you can give it to me."


I let him know im very upset about it and he hasnt called for a whole day...

He just keeps saying he cant help that people talk to him.

That's very cheap of him.
And it's not talking you object to, it's the flirting and hand holding, isn't it?

I don't think he's a very kind person.

talking is fine. But the touching and banter isnt really neccesary, especially when im sitting right next to them and he doesnt acknowledge me. Plus i dont understand why guys hit on ppl if they know they have a partner

In fairness to the other people, they might think you have an open relationship withhim being such a flirt.
It's him that should be showing you respect, then this wouldn't happen.

Spot on. He should be putting these other guys off by taking your hand and saying he's unavailable. It really is disrespectful for him to carry on in front of you. Other men won't know you're in a relationship unless he makes it clear.

well...i just spoke with him over the phone...I said its hard for me to forgive him and i was really hurt. I dont want to move forward until i can forgive him.

He then said "I TOLD YOU IM SORRY. What more do you want? I texted im sorry. I cant remember why i did it cos i was so drunk so what do you want me to say."

I said you yelling your sorry doesnt seem sincere.

then he said "well i dont know what more u want from me."

Might I suggest that your reply should be along the lines of...

"For you to start acting like a decent human being, showing me some respect and if you can't manage that then fuck off."

Sorry, but your other half sounds like a twat.

Maybe he needs to drink less.

Claiming drunkeness is a copout. It doesn't count.

bad habit! choose or lose? i m tired!

His behaviour's odd. How's the relationship otherwise?

I'm wondering if you enjoy going to clubs. If not, is that prompting him to have a good time with others? What are the other ways that you spend time together?

I'm not one for apologies over the phone or by electronic means generally. Best to do it face to face so that you can get the body language and give each other the chance to show how you feel - and maybe do something about it, if you get my meaning.

Hope things work out.

T

I'd hate it! Not nice to see someone you love flirting with others. Which is why I'll never understand "open relationships". For me, and from bitter experience, it's physically painful, like a knife in the chest, rounding a corner in a club to see the guy you love flirting with someone else. I'd not put up with it!

We dont really have many activities we do together. We do like having dinner together and thats about it!!!

I do like going to clubs with him, but i like going because when we first went, it was about us. We were there to enjoy each others company. I liked dancing with him and drinking with him. Now we go there, he likes to socialise with others and also told me to go 'make my own friends at the club' while he makes his own friends.

In all honesty, im not at a club to make friends or enjoy other people. I want to be there with him. But it hurts when he enjoys going there to meet other people who he usually would find sexually attractive.

i cant bring it up anymore aswell cause he calls me overjealous and it turns into a huge argument

Hi Syd.

I think in his mind this relationship is over. He's behaving like a tosser - possibly in an effort to get you to dump him because he doesn't have the guts to do it to you, perhaps - perversely - because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

Why are you still with him, still allowing him to treat you like this? You could be with someone who doesn't make you feel like this, someone who does treat you with respect.

You know what you need to do. Treat yourself with the respect he's not giving you.

Could well be varoistus is right. Certainly you're not likely to get far in trying to change his behaviour in clubs. Either with him or the next guy I'd try to establish a wider range of shared activities. I'm not into clubs any more but I wonder if they're places established couples go in pairs. To me they sound more like you go either to meet people or to be in a crowd of friends.

Sounds like a good idea and you might meet a new boyfriend in the process.

sigh.

Its so much easier said than done. I used to think if something like this happened, i would walk away in an instant. But i must say i am appalled at how weak i am. I have said to break up 2-3 times now, but he is nice in saying that its not a good idea. He also said that if i walk away i would regret it....and that really made me think twice. I didnt want to live with that!

I think being my first love and also knowing how perfect he was when i met him, i am holding out hope that the guy I first met is still there.

Its so hard cause i do have feelings for him...and i feel if i leave, i just wont be able to find another guy with similar values such as monogamy and LTRs.

you guys are all so awesome though

That doesn't sound like being nice to me, that sounds like being manipulative. It's starting to seem more and more like you'd be better off without him. Every time he convinces you not to leave, it's giving him a licence to carry on doing this to you.
You need to somehow find the strength to stick to your guns and go, but unfortunately I don't think anyone can tell you how to do that. If he really cares about you, once you're gone he'll see what he's lost and do whatever you ask to get you back. If not, then like I said before, you're better off without him.

It sounds like the guy you first met was a fake.
What you're experiencing now is probably his true personality.

Fuck that. I'd be right annoyed!! Chattin some other bloke up while ur stood there?

Shit. Would. Go. Down.

AND!

"You'll regret breaking up with me".

How arrogant is that!? You're better off without him guy. Seriously. Fuck that shit x

Being brutally honest, it doesn't sound like you've found those values in this guy.

If you've already considered leaving then you are obviously unhappy with his behaviour, if he won't change it then you have to decide if you can live with or or not. If it were me, I'd go with a resounding not.

Dump him. The "regret it" comment he made is just playing on the weakness he perceives in you. Pure exploitation of your worry that you won't find someone as "good" as him.

From what you've said, it seems you're near rock bottom in terms of the quality of guy you're with already. He passively and gratefully accepts attention from other guys on a regular basis, despite your being there at the time. He is not worth your time. Find your self-respect and lose him in doing so!

100% agree

He's obviously goading you. And manipulating you. And you know it, why else write here?

Nobody's perfect, he may have some really nice qualities and have been a perfect boyfriend at the start of your relationship (that part tends to be easy) but, personally, what you have told me would have been enough for me to dump him. Or at least try to get more out of him in terms of honest discussion than you seem to have got.

In my experience … and I'm way old! … one often ends up regretting all the effort and patience spent in trying to pander to guys who have started misbehaving even more than finally breaking up with them.

Syd. I was in a very similar relationship for 3.5 years. He was bisexual and he was always telling me about women that he was seeing on the side. It did hurt me but I kept thinking that I couldn't ask him to stop being Bi. Then when I met a guy and had a one time fling, my ex acted like someone had kicked his puppy. Anyway, I realize I am far better off without him. You probably will regret it if/when you split with him but eventually, you WILL get over it and see your partner for the cunt that he is. Ditch him. You don't need him.

Say what?
Being bisexual is not an excuse for promiscuity. Just because you like man-bits and lady-bits doesn't mean you have to have them both, and the fact that he couldn't keep it in his trousers says more about his lack of self-control than his sexuality. As you said, you're better off without and I hope you don't judge all bisexuals harshly because of him.


And syd, as everyone else has said, for your own self-worth, you need to get rid of him. It'll be tough to do, but good luck and stay strong.

I've never understood the "I was drunk, it's not my fault" line. Does that mean he can do what he likes and blame it on the drink?

You deserve someone that's proud of you, that wants to introduce you to his friends, that wants to spend time with you. Not someone who says "you wait overt there whilst I flirt with this cute guy".

He's using you as an audience. So stop being his audience. You don't need to split up if you don't want to.... but for the next few times he suggests going out, say you're busy with friends. Show him you have a life without him. The trouble is, you want to be with him, and spend time with him.... but you're going to a place which he associates with meeting new people. He doesn't want to dance with you, because he knows you. Clubs are about meeting new people, so he only wants to dance (or hold hands) with new people. Why go to a club and chat about the usual stuff you chat about at home?

Do you have any other friends you could have a few nights out with? A few nights away from him will remind him that there's more to you than meets the eye. If not... you deserve better.

I sincerely doubt It will ever be an issue for me but No, I would not be eager to get into a relationship with another Bisexual. I won't say never but I cannot imagine the circumstances under which I would ever date another one.

hi all

thought i might just give an update on how things have been.

Ive just discovered that he is been using an online dating site behind my back ever since we met. I asked him why he did it and i was crying cause i was so upset. He goes its all MY fault because i used to have one too (though i stopped using it once he told me to stop using it about 5 months in the relationship) and that he uses it to monitor and make sure im not using it anymore. So since ive stopped using the site, he has still been using his to supposedly 'monitor' me for 18months. He accessed it yesterday.

Im just so devastated that he managed to turn the whole situation onto me again...

Have you dumped him then?

And if you haven't it's about time you bloody well did. He sounds like an utter cunt.

Syd, I must agree with all my learned, well educated fellows gayers here. This guy really does need to be kicked to the kerb, for your sake, not his. It sounds to me that he would relish the freedom that this would allow him as I think at this moment in time he probably sees you as a bit of a nagging/mother-like figure in his life. You on the other hand deserve someone so much more who respects you.
You know, we all have to accept sometimes that things aren't just what they used to be. Yes, he may have been a fake at the start but I wouldn't let that enter your head too much as you will just try and disect the situation over the years.
He won't be taking your threat seriously about dumping him though if you have used it as an empty threat before. Don't let this guy waste any more of your time. Move on, the pain will be raw but my god in a few months time you'll see that it was the right decision.
Good luck, let us know how you get on.

thanks all. Not much of a solid conclusion. The last time i spoke was when i was at his place and i said we should break it off cause the relationship is broken. He put the pillow over his head and said he doesnt want to deal with it cause he is hungover. On that night, he goes out clubbing by himself yet again. Not too hung over for another night out on the town i guess.

So i guess its over? Im trying to move on, but i just would have liked a more mature closure.

I must admit though, i do hope that he would want to work things out because i do love him, but i guess im not what he wants at this point in time.

Thanks all for your support!!! It has really helped me through

thanks all. Not much of a solid conclusion. The last time i spoke was when i was at his place and i said we should break it off cause the relationship is broken. He put the pillow over his head and said he doesnt want to deal with it cause he is hungover. On that night, he goes out clubbing by himself yet again. Not too hung over for another night out on the town i guess.

So i guess its over? Im trying to move on, but i just would have liked a more mature closure.

I must admit though, i do hope that he would want to work things out because i do love him, but i guess im not what he wants at this point in time.

Thanks all for your support!!! It has really helped me through

Chances of you being happy in future just doubled.

Well done, move on and be happy.

Here's a hug: