Hey all,

Looking for some advice here, perhaps to be told its all a totally bad idea, or whatever.

I broke up with my boyfriend recently... and although sad at first (i.e. at the very time of breaking up), I realised I wasn't sad at all that evening, or the next day, or the next day.

The only one thing I was sad at was really... the fact that I would be loosing a best friend, someone who I had laughs with and hung out with, i.e. going to the cinema, grabbing coffee.

I originally told myself that if I was to ever break up with someone, I would totally cut off all ties forever. But just this once, I'm really questioning, "why should I?".

The relationship didn't end terribly (it was more a, fell out of love with each other), no one cheated, there was no anger, nothing... and he was a good friend. Why should I lose a friend just because we both fell out of love? I still care for him as a friend and a person...

My plan is to not speak for a few weeks, maybe even longer, but then eventually hope to become friends (I think we said we'd go clothes shopping - he is a pro at clothes, im a bit shit - sometime near the end of May). There is absolutely no false hope whatsoever... I don't want to get back together, I definitely don't want sex, I just don't want to never ever speak to a person that I've chatted to, and gone for coffee, cinema, shopping with, when I just think, what is the point?

I know he wants to be friends as well.

I'm also doing a load of other stuff at the same time, making sure I spend time with other friends, going out in London, and soon I'll finish Uni and I have to go flat hunting and a job to start. So it's not exactly going to be spending all the time with him... but yeah.

Am I sounding totally bloody mad? Is this a terrible idea hah?

Just wondered what the rest of you think and your experiences (is it possible to be friends)?

Thanks guys!

Well if you know he wants to stay friends as well, I don't see the problem?
As you said it's probably best to wait a while to give the two of you time to adjust to the new situation. When you feel the time is right arrange something.

There's nothing wrong with still wanting to be friends with an ex (I'm friends with my exes).

Staying friends sounds like a good idea.
Especially when the breakup is mutual.
But remember, one of you will find someone new before the other one.

Probably him, with his great fashion sense.

double post - how does that happen? you have to wait 30 seconds!

Yeah, we had a little chat yesterday afternoon about it and agreed we would meet up at some point next month. I told him I probably wouldn't contact him too much (if at all) for the next couple of weeks or so, but then I have exams to concentrate on anyway.

All the way through the relationship he did say, if we ever break up, then I would still like to be friends... I wasn't too sure at the time, but after feeling like I do now, and having a little think about it, I actually would like to be friends really.

I just, I don't know, I feel a bit bad for not being sad at the moment and for feeling everything is fine? As stupid as that sounds!!



Hahaha! I agree with your point that one of us will find someone new before the other one, and I thought about that too.

I don't think it will be too much of a problem to be honest, as I'm not going to spending absolutely loads of time with him (I'm leaving soon anyway and although staying near, won't be within walking distance ) and probably won't have loads of contact and if we did meet up for coffee or whatever, wouldn't be often to be honest.

And my fashion sense is not too bad really hah!

Fid.
Just stay away from Asda when clothes shopping.

*returns George clothes*

That's a very weird thing to say.


Sorry but then why bother? Why going through the trouble for a distant friendship that will probably fade quickly anyway?

It probably was a weird thing to say, maybe it was second thoughts then hah.

And well you see... I don't want it to be a distant friendship that will fade away quickly, but I'm not really sure how to act? Do you know what I mean? If you go from boyfriends to being best friends or friends, how do you know how often you should meet? How much is too much?

That answer will probably come in a few weeks when my head is clear, but that is my main problem. How do you know how to basically act then when you're friends... will he not then be an entirely different person to me?

Or am I thinking about this too much?

You're thinking too much. Just see what happens, see how it goes

Just follow your heart and don't use your mind too much on this.
It sounds like you have a natural friendship with him (long distance or not), so just go with the flow and don't let your mind mess things up.

Thanks for that... that is perfect advice really. My mind is being a bum and just needs to shut up... I shall follow my heart I think and just see how things turn out.

if you still wanna be friends and he does too then go for it.hang out and catch up with each other ask him how he's been doing and where he's been. i've got to applaud you really because i could never and have never been friends with my exes.!!i ended up hating them in the end and couldn't stand to ever be in the same room as them.it makes you wonder why you went out with them in the first place.??

That's too bad. Post-relationship friendships are sometimes the best friendships of all, and better than the relationship was.


It's always a shame to hate someone you once loved (unless that person "deliberately" did something to hurt you, which has never happend in my experience). Bad feelings toward the other person during and post-relationship are usually the result of unfulfilled claims and demands or expectations from the relationship. That never works out well. The problem is that we often expect the other guy to be someone other than who he is. If he turns out to be someone other than what you want then simply let him go. He might still be a good friend. Otherwise just get on with things. Hatred is too debilitating and gets in the way of your own growth.

Blablablabla!

That wasn't very nice, Astron

You don't agree?

Joking here Cuddles.

I don't actually think it's wrong to hate people who deserve it though.
"Taking the high road" just means letting people who wronged you off easy and why the eff would I play nice to those people?
I like holding a grudge.

I figured as much Sweetie.
I'm sloooooowwwwly starting to get the hang of your sense of humo(u)r.



It's not so much a question of "taking the high road" as it is doing what's best for your own mental, and ultimately physical, health. As I said, hatred is debilitating and is harmful to yourself.
(That doesn't mean that you can't take revenge and enjoy it. I don't get mad. I get even. )

Cuddles is my nickname for Scots Lurker, Parsi.



In that case I agree

Oh, and I thought you were calling ME Cuddles.

i don't think hating someone has stopped me growing as a person. i can still love and care for someone and let them into my life so i don't think your right there.and to be honest you didn't know my exes parsi.they were wankers.!!

Are you sure?

yes quite sure.

Well Parsy I can understand, but you Astron - I'm disappointed

Why settle for just getting even when you can totally obliterate someone that really deserves it.

Back on topic, to the OP, I think it's great that you want to stay friends, and I can understand why you wouldn't want to lose someone completely from your life, especially if things ended on good terms. However, I would advise caution in regards to how much time you guys spend together. The idea of maintaining a friendship might be different to the reality of it. You may find yourself falling back into a rut of spending a lot of time with a person who you presumably spent a lot of time with while you were having a relationship. Just think carefully about how this might affect either of you potentially moving on to a new relationship.

Sam he is doing that already. A lot.

... and probably too much.

I'm really good friends with my first ex. That said he couldn't be in the same room as me for the first year after we broke up without inevitably taking a lunge at me . Always fun for a bit of end of the night entertainment .

We shared a dog together, so we kinda had to stay in touch really as he'd have her every other weekend or so and it all ended up really nicely.

My second ex? Hmmm... that friendship has just gone belly up after 15 months apart, I think we tried too hard to stay friends and neither of us were really ready for it, so we've now agreed to have the clean break we SHOULD have had 15 months ago.

It's tough OP, I do think the transition from loving someone to purely being their friend is tougher than you might think.

The only thing (from my experience) I'd say is that perhaps you're trying to be friends with him too soon. I'd never want what just happened to me this week to happen to anyone, it was like breaking up with him all over again when in fact, had we handled it differently it never would have come to that.

Good luck .

Speaking as someone who was dumped after 5 years not too long ago, I still need a little bit of time before I can think of being friends because there is still so much that I am angry about - but that is just relationship specific! If you two had an amicable break up then I dont see why you need to wait too long to be friends.

I suppose you just need to have boundaries.

You know what, I thought I'd post a little update to this.

Remaining friends right away, has been rather difficult and is so very nearly making me not bother (I really am having trouble deciding if it is worth it - on one hand, I think never speaking/hearing from him again would be painful now but better in the long run - eventually I'll just forget him - however on the other hand I think as I have known him for so long, to do such a thing would just be stupid.

We've only spoken a few times since we split up (which is about 4 days away from being a month!) and I don't really think I can be bothered (nor do I think he really deserves me as a friend to be quite honest!).

One thing though... my confidence is absolutely shit right now. Going to London on Friday to Soho and what not, but think I'm just going to be absolute shit if I'm honest!

How the hell do I get my confidence back?!?!