Hi folks. I haven't written much in agony in recent times but since I feel I can't discuss this with anyone else I figured I would get it all down in writing.

At this moment in time I can honestly say I am at my lowest point in life yet. A number of factors are contributing to why I feel this way and I'll go into more detail along the way, but the root of the problem is not knowing who I really am (or if in denial, not accepting who I really am).

I am 28 years old and (still) haven't told a sole I am gay. Even saying I'm gay doesn't seem like it fits with me, which proves I am still finding it difficult to accept the truth. I am still a virgin and I have never did anything sexually with a man, and only ever kissed women. The last girlfriend I had was when I was 21. My mates think I am straight and always say I need to find myself a woman but I just fob them off by saying I haven't met Mrs Right yet. I've never had a lot of girlfriends so I guess they just assume I am very fussy and not one for sleeping around. My family are the same. I avoid some night's out in case it crops up in conversation or in case they try to set me up with someone. When I was younger it was easier to have a girlfriend for a sustained period of time because most of the girls I went out with were 'good girls' so they weren't the 'sleep on the first date' type of girls, but now that I am much older I know that I wouldn't be with a woman for very long before it started becoming obvious that I wasn't into sleeping with her. And to confuse the issue and myself even more, I do actually like the idea of having a wife - just without the sex. You would think all roads lead to me wanting to have sex with a man instead but I don't find that idea attractive either! It's so hard to explain and some of you will know I've said some of these exact same things before, but I still can't see me ever being in a gay relationship, with or without sex.

Since my very first wank (around eleven years old) I have only wanked about men. I bought some gay porn dvds while mum and dad were on holiday and then as I grew older the internet has become my one source for gay porn. I am aroused by the image of watching men go at it but if you showed me a pair of tits and a fanny my cock wouldn't move a muscle. This is why it makes sense for the solution to be that I am gay. But am I still gay even though I don't picture myself shagging or being shagged by a man? Or kissing a man? or holding hands? Once I have had my wank I immediately revert back to being the straight guy, with the thought of male-on-male action seeming ridiculous. I feel so confused and I think this is the reason why I haven't been able to tell anyone who I really am - because I still don't think I know myself.

The stress of all this going on in my head for so long is taking its toll and next year my brother is getting married, causing me to panic greatly. In my head this will be the first time I will be under scrutiny as everyone will expect me to take a date to the wedding. I am also my brother's best man which is a great honour but a further stress due to the speech etc. My mate is also getting married next year and although I'm not his best man, I will again be expected to bring a date. Then there's both stag-do's; if they are like the last two I attended there will be the inevitable visit to the lap-dancing clubs, which a single red-blooded male is supposed to be excited about.

I just want to escape it all, not in a suicidal way but in a one-way ticket to Mars kind of way. Don't know what to do or what's best for me. I could try to bluff my way through for a couple of months/years longer but the stresses of all these thoughts are getting to me. The alternative is come clean and start confiding in someone close to me but the fear is still too strong and I'm not even sure I would know what to say other than I am confused about who I am and what I really want.

Sorry if this is all over the place but welcome to my brain.

Have you evet met another man in your life who you've had feelings for Nakamura?

My only initial thought that instantly springs to mind is that once you meet a man who you develop feelings for, then you will start to see sex and intimacy in a whole different light. I know you say you can't ever see yourself being with a man sexually or kissing another man etc, but maybe this is just because you haven't met someone who makes you feel at ease. I know it's a very difficult and rare thing to do, to find someone like this, but when this man enters your life and you start to feel more comfortable, then you will slowly move onto being with him physically and mentally.

When you are going about your daily basis etc, do you find yourself attracted to men in the street?

I think what it comes down to is what feels natural to you in your heart and whether or not you want to be with a man or a woman. I don't think any of us want to be lonely for the rest of our lives so you must have some desire inside yourself to be with someone. Are there other problems in your life which may cause set backs? For example do you have any homophobic friends or family members? Maybe you need to overcome these physcological challenges first before moving on.

First off

I know exactly how you feel. EXACTLY. I never left it until that late, but coming to terms with it all was pretty tough.

Before I came out the closet (I was 19), I was not only terrified by the thought of it, but also wasn't completely sure myself.

I cheated and came out as bi. I had a boyfriend by the time I came out so I was gay for the 4 and a half years following that. Now that he and I are finished I've found that I've been leaning back towards bi again.

This is where our stories are similar.... I'm not even sure I find women attractive in that kind of way. Yes, I can have sex with them, but that's only because of my teenage years where I learnt to deal with it. Now I do it, I guess, in some vain hope that I'll have a wife, house, 2.8 children etc. I'm comfortable with being gay, but sometimes the thought of being with a woman for the rest of my life is quite nice.

I used to be confused about whether or not I was gay/bi right up until I slept with a man for the first time. Up until that point I wasn't sure, so there was no way I was going to come out the closet before I was sure myself.

I don't want to say "Go get laid", but you need to put yourself out there and if you are lucky enough to experience something with a guy, you'll have your answer.

With regards to the wanking thing, I don't do it often at all, but I can understand. After I've slept with a guy or girl, the last thing I am thinking of is having more sex with them immediately after. That, my friend, is normal. It just so happens that when you finish wanking you slip back into "Must get married to a woman and have kids" mode. If you discover you're gay/bi, when you're done you'll feel differently afterwards. You won't feel weird or put off by the idea, you'll just have that awesome relieved, pleased sexually kind of feeling.

I was lucky in that all my friends and family accepted it. I didn't lose a single friend or have anyone in my family disown me. I can only hope that when it comes to it, if you discover you're gay/bi, things work out the same for you too.

Whatever you say about everyone else and upcoming events you will never move on untill you can accept all the aspects of yourself. Until you can be happy with who and what you are this wil cloud your thoughts and project onto how you think everyone will be with you.
I think you need someone you can be frank with, all this inside you will just increase if never let out.

Hi Jonnycondom. Thanks for taking the time out to give me some advice.

In response to your questions, I have never really had any feelings for a man. I have fantasies about some men but in the fantasies it's just them, not them and me. I don't find myself attracted to men in the street either, not in a 'I want to have sex with you' attraction but I do sometimes look at men and think they're hot. I don't find camp men attractive in the slightest, regardless of how hot they look. Most of the porn films I like, and fantasies I have, are about the macho/straight man who has sex with another men. I like watching it on film and I get aroused but I guess I am hesitant to accept the reality of me being part of it.

All of my mates have long-term girlfriends and/or kids so in my circle I am the only single one. My dad is definitely homophobic and I know that is adding to my fear. Some of my friends may be slightly homophobic too but I'd like to think they would understand if I was comfortable with myself being gay. But I'm not comfortable. I've said it before but I just wish I was born a straight man. Why did I have to be the odd one out?

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Hi Scottslurker. Again, thanks for caring and taking the time to give me some advice.

It's refreshing to hear you were in a similar position and have come out of this stronger. I hope for the same outcome. I know if I want to have an encounter with a man I will need to take a few risks but not sure I am brave enough yet.

I keep thinking in my head that if I could have a girlfriend who wasn't interested in sex I would be happy. Like you, I do believe I could love a woman - more than I could a man - and I definitely like the idea of having kids. But deep down I know this is not realistic. And that makes me sad.

I know where you are. Actually, 27 is not that old. I got to 30 before I lost my virginity and coming out took a bit longer.

BUT I am afraid you are stuck betwen the rock and the hard place. You know the one way ticket to Mars does not exist - even if you moved to a new town and a new life (if that was at all realistic), the "problem" would still be there.

So you need to sort it where you are. And I recall that you have posted previously on here so you've heard all the advice before about coming out.

I think the key messages are:

You know you are gay.
You know you have locked yourself into a tiny dark and miserable closet.
You need to live your life - not some other life which is based on falsehood.

I know that doesn't help at all but you know it's the truth. The only hope I can give you is that, if you can break out, you will subsequently be amazed at how easy and worthwhile it was.

You're welcome


It does take a bit of getting used to, especially when everyone around you is married with kids or getting that way. It's not until you have been in a relationship with a man (or at the very least slept with one), that you realise it could actually work out.

The way I thought of it was to just look around. Look at all the gay couples around you - they're all doing fine. Christ, those pesky gays are even getting married these days

I noticed your reply to JC, and I want to offer some hope there, too. My Dad and both my brothers were really homophobic before I came out. One of my brother's is a well known chav/ned up here. When I came out, it completely changed their views on it. They still love you, that will never go away - so they learn to deal with it.

Me coming out was difficult for me to come to terms with because, at school, I was probably one of the least likely people to be gay. Not one person ever suspected a thing (I guess those cover relationships with girls worked ), so I know how you feel when you are talking about what's expected of you.

Take baby steps.

First, you need to get used to talking to other gay guys. Sign up to some gay dating sites if you have to, just to get you talking to other gay guys beyond what is discussed on these forums (alternatively PM one of the regulars up in View ). I wouldn't recommend meeting people that you have only spoken to online, but you might find that it helps with your confidence in talking to other men.

When you feel ready, go out and mix with the gay community. I'm not saying become a huge raging queen, just get used to the idea of being in the company of other gay men.

If you hook up with someone, you'll know afterwards if it's something you would enjoy doing for the rest of your life.

After that it's just down to going out regularly. I'm not saying you are going to find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with on your first few weeks out, but you'll feel yourself becoming more and more comfortable with it.

Eventually, when you are comfortable enough, you can tell your family. But only do it when you are comfortable with being gay/bi

And that is all you need to say, even if it's just to one person, the fact that someone real in your life knows what you are going through, is there for you to talk to will take such a weight off you.

Right now you sound as if you are trying your best to deny what you want for the sake of everyone else and their expectations. It will not make you happy, but then you already know that, you wouldn't be here otherwise.

In a way I guess I was similar, different circumstances but similar outcome. I didn't "realise" I was gay until the age of 28; the only slight problem there was that I was married with a 3 year old child at that point. Long story short, I stayed in the closet, pretended everything was normal as I felt my responsibility was to be the parent I'd committed to being.

The trouble with that was now knowing who I was, pretending to be someone else started to strip away everything else that I was, the strain of living for the expectation of others was horrendous, led to some very dark times the like of which I wouldn't wish on even my worst enemy.

I appreciate it is frightening, the unknown always is; but until you confide in someone real you will not take that burden away from yourself and you will never be able to actually find out who you really are. You may be gay, you may be straight, but until you stop living in fear you will never live enough to actually find out.

It will be tough, and I wish you well.

A wife doesn't sound like an option. Unless you meet a girl in the same situation. And who would anyone else be to judge?

So I'd suggest you look at the pros and cons of the other options.

Maybe get some professional advice?

It's hard to grasp this in a world where 14 year olds come roaring out of the closet and everyone just shrugs but this is probably more common than you think. Don't feel that you are alone. Equally don't feel like you have to follow some sort of prescribed route to finding out who you are - everyone arrives at their sexuality at their own pace and there'll be people who will have a fluid sexuality for their whole lives.

What is clear is that your current situation is making you depressed. You shouldn't let that continue and you are the only person who can do something about it. You say that members of your family are homophobic and that is a source of fear for you. You don't have to tell them anything. You do have to tell someone though because it's clearly eating you up. Do you have a close friend that you trust and can confide in? Do you have any gay friends who you could talk to? Nobody has to come bursting out of the closet wearing feather boas and bursting into Gloria Gaynor songs - it can be as slow a process as you want it to be. Maybe you are gay, maybe you're bisexual (though, to be honest, it sounds like you would only be with a woman because it's what is expected in a hetero-normative society) or even asexual. Talk to a friend, get your feelings out there and progress from there.

Good luck with it. Eventually, you'll look back at this and think: "what was the fuss about". You'll be in a much happier place then. Something to look forward to.

Hi folks. Thanks to all of you who have posted advice recently. For the moment this is my only outlet so it helps to get some of it off my chest.

Recently I have had the urge to tell one of my mates about how I am feeling but the fear of losing him as a mate and potentially changing things forever is what is preventing me from opening up. I know this sounds pathetic but I want to do all the things I do at the moment like play football but, more importantly, be treated like an equal. If I am gay I don't want people thinking 'well we won't ask him for a game of football' or 'we won't want to be seen hanging about with him'. I appreciate this could all be in my head and things may not be as bad as I expect them to be but I'm still not sure.

Since I haven't had sex it's safe to say I don't miss it. I know I should start living life to the full and I know I need to experiment if I want to find out when I am at my happiest. I don't feel I can do this locally for fear of people finding out so I may decide to book myself a holiday where I can let loose and find out who I am.

Hearing you guys speak positively does help me believe there are brighter days ahead, even if that is just brighter days in my own skin/head so thanks again.

It's another inconvenient truth that you've closed up your capacious and doubtless cosy closet with a number of locks. This is one. The joke is that it can probably only be seen inside the closet and not outside. If you have a dozen mates with whom you play soccer, I bet only one or two at the very most would have any reservation about playing with you if they knew you were a homosexual. And they won't say anything as, frankly, it's not cool to discriminate nowadays (I'm assuming you are UK based). The rest will be fine.

We're even helping you create another lock out of thin air. This one says "I can come out any time I like and become a happy whole person - so no need to do it today, or this week, or this month, or this year or this lifetime.....". That's next to the lock that says "all I have to do is find a woman that loves me for myself and not sexually and I'll be fine.....".

Come on, you know you need to do something. But I wouldn't bother shattering the "I want to play football lock,,,". I think that will vanish on its own over time and as yellowcork rightly says "Nobody has to come bursting out of the closet wearing feather boas and bursting into Gloria Gaynor songs".

What I suggest is a far smaller first step but a significant step nonetheless. Forget the mate who apparently will drop you like a stone as soon as he knows you're gay (although I suspect you are dead wrong there as well). Why not tell your brother and his fiance (under strictest confidentiality, of course) not that "I'm gay" but how you feel given the up-coming marriage and the fact that, well, you're not like your bro.... Then report back......

"My only regret about being gay is that I repressed it for so long. I surrendered my youth to the people I feared when I could have been out there loving someone. Don’t make that mistake yourself. Life’s too damn short."

I think it can take a long time to come to terms with who you are, but you are still young and seem a really nice guy. Things will work out

awwwwww briggsy thats really nice lets get married

Sooner or later your friends will realise that you might not be straight. If they ask you, I recommend being honest, i.e. if you think they are real friends. Sometimes you just have to trust people.

Personally I'd recommend telling first those friends you like best but are not at all attracted to and you feel are least likely to be homophobic. Like this mate you have been thinking about. You trust him and think he is liberal and are not attracted to him? Then he might be the ideal person.

They might not mind you being gay as such but might be more wary about you telling them as a prelude to admitting your love to them so reassure them about that at the same time.

I think many people like to be taken into the confidence of the people they really like. So think about who you have that kind of relationship with. Who would be sympathetic and would keep your secret for as long as you wanted?