Hi folks. I haven't written much in agony in recent times but since I feel I can't discuss this with anyone else I figured I would get it all down in writing.
At this moment in time I can honestly say I am at my lowest point in life yet. A number of factors are contributing to why I feel this way and I'll go into more detail along the way, but the root of the problem is not knowing who I really am (or if in denial, not accepting who I really am).
I am 28 years old and (still) haven't told a sole I am gay. Even saying I'm gay doesn't seem like it fits with me, which proves I am still finding it difficult to accept the truth. I am still a virgin and I have never did anything sexually with a man, and only ever kissed women. The last girlfriend I had was when I was 21. My mates think I am straight and always say I need to find myself a woman but I just fob them off by saying I haven't met Mrs Right yet. I've never had a lot of girlfriends so I guess they just assume I am very fussy and not one for sleeping around. My family are the same. I avoid some night's out in case it crops up in conversation or in case they try to set me up with someone. When I was younger it was easier to have a girlfriend for a sustained period of time because most of the girls I went out with were 'good girls' so they weren't the 'sleep on the first date' type of girls, but now that I am much older I know that I wouldn't be with a woman for very long before it started becoming obvious that I wasn't into sleeping with her. And to confuse the issue and myself even more, I do actually like the idea of having a wife - just without the sex. You would think all roads lead to me wanting to have sex with a man instead but I don't find that idea attractive either! It's so hard to explain and some of you will know I've said some of these exact same things before, but I still can't see me ever being in a gay relationship, with or without sex.
Since my very first wank (around eleven years old) I have only wanked about men. I bought some gay porn dvds while mum and dad were on holiday and then as I grew older the internet has become my one source for gay porn. I am aroused by the image of watching men go at it but if you showed me a pair of tits and a fanny my cock wouldn't move a muscle. This is why it makes sense for the solution to be that I am gay. But am I still gay even though I don't picture myself shagging or being shagged by a man? Or kissing a man? or holding hands? Once I have had my wank I immediately revert back to being the straight guy, with the thought of male-on-male action seeming ridiculous. I feel so confused and I think this is the reason why I haven't been able to tell anyone who I really am - because I still don't think I know myself.
The stress of all this going on in my head for so long is taking its toll and next year my brother is getting married, causing me to panic greatly. In my head this will be the first time I will be under scrutiny as everyone will expect me to take a date to the wedding. I am also my brother's best man which is a great honour but a further stress due to the speech etc. My mate is also getting married next year and although I'm not his best man, I will again be expected to bring a date. Then there's both stag-do's; if they are like the last two I attended there will be the inevitable visit to the lap-dancing clubs, which a single red-blooded male is supposed to be excited about.
I just want to escape it all, not in a suicidal way but in a one-way ticket to Mars kind of way. Don't know what to do or what's best for me. I could try to bluff my way through for a couple of months/years longer but the stresses of all these thoughts are getting to me. The alternative is come clean and start confiding in someone close to me but the fear is still too strong and I'm not even sure I would know what to say other than I am confused about who I am and what I really want.
Sorry if this is all over the place but welcome to my brain.