I need some advice...
I am a British Asian guy, in my late 20’s living at home with the parents. I’ve lived a sheltered life and have always known I was gay but never had a boyfriend or even a fling – sucks.

Parents are pretty traditional and they want to search for potential brides in India. So far to keep them happy I have gone twice this year but thankfully no one “suitable” was found. Now my dad wants me to go again in December.

This whole process is rather torturous for me and the thought of doing it the third time is driving me crazy! It’s not a forced marriage, but I know they really want me to settle. Not to mention one is considered a “weirdo” in the Asian culture, if they’re not married by 30 – such Victorian values! Ha

I just one of those people who try to keep everyone happy - But I’m realising this is not possible and family ties could potentially be severed - I find this rather distressing.

Numerous occasions I just wanted to leave an “I’m gay” note and leave, so I wouldn’t have to see the heartache. To be honest this avenue appeals to me – cowardly I know.
Ideally I should JUST TELL THEM THE TRUTH! But it’s so hard for me to communicate this.....I don’t know why I find it so difficult!

What is your religion and how are your parents likely to react?

Is there not a specific support group for people in your situation??

I'm in a similar situation to you (British Asian living with parents, nearly 30, parents talking about marriage, but luckily not pressurising me yet though), so can understand your problem.

Is it essential that you marry someone from India? Or would your parents be open to you marrying another British Asian? You could try talking to your parents and telling them you would like to find someone like minded yourself -if they accept that, at least it would buy you some time to have a think about how to move things forward?

Either way, good luck, hope things get sorted for you!

Putting cultural norms aside for a moment, you can not live your life to fulfill the expectations of someone else. I've made that mistake myself and it takes a lot out of you, and even more to get over.

As a stalling strategy the advice given above sounds good, tell you're Parents you want to find your own partner.

Hang on a sec, you guys seemed to be resigned to the fact that you HAVE to marry? I thought there were (new?) laws in this country that prevented all this hokey religious marriage stuff. You say it's not a forced marriage but it is in my eyes, you parents are pressuring you.

There are no laws that forbid parents to pressure you into something though.
Thats what free will is for.

I'm certainly not resigned to the 'fact' that I have to marry. However, I am not out, so my family perceive me to be a straight male. I think it is fairly normal for family to suggest marriage when you reach a certain age . This has got nothing to do with 'hokey religious' stuff as you put it - I work with people from a Caucasian background who put pressure on their kids to settle down.

It sounds as if you're under cultural (rather than religious) pressure from your parents to marry.

I looked up "Gay Asian Helpline" on Google and found this one in London:

http://www.beyou.org.uk/org/org.php?ID=shakti&Folder=58

As you will see, they operate a helpline on 020 7837 7341 (Thursdays from 8 - 10pm)

Even if this is not exactly what you're looking for, it might be worth giving them a call to find out where else you might be able to get help and advice on how to deal with your present situation.

Let's face it, you're not the first person to have this problem and you won't be the last. So please take that first step and look for help & advice now, before you get any more worried. You are not alone!

Hope this helps!

Why don't you grow a pair and tell them to leave you alone, in the end of the day that's what it will come out to anyway.
The reason you find that so hard is cause it will change a lot fo things and you don't know the outcome, but that's what life is all about, deal with it.

Slightly more accurate...

Choices.

Marry a girl and be faithful.

Marry a girl and be unfaithful.

Don't marry anyone and keep your sexuality secret.

Tell them about you sexuality and either find or don't find a life partner.

Stall.

Run away.

There's also another option - find an Asian lesbian who is also being pressured to marry.

Or she could just be easy and not have a problem with either of them seeing men outside of the marriage.

or do like one Asian woman did and marry yourself and go off on a honeymoon with oneself.

Or I could dress up in drag and you have a nice English bride but with man sex after dark.

Get an Asian shemale?

lol @ the suggestions..

I am in a similar situation..

what some of you dont get is that

a) we have cultural ties..
we are that bit more religious
c) family & relations are important

so we cant just say "mum dad, i am gay" it doesnt work like that....

these sound like the most constructive solutions for someone in your situation - and i'm afraid things will remain that way until the asian community becomes more tolerent of diversity

I live in germany but my Parents are from Turkey and they are somewhat religious but not strictly traditional in most points.
Before anyone can tell you what to do here (or even the professionals)
You have to make clear in what kinda situation you live.
Does anybody from your family know that you are gay?
Like your siblings, aunt,uncle, or even a parent?
Is your family VERY religious?
And about which religion are we talking about here?

Thanks for your responses guys....
I think I might try that helpline, thanks Phoenix19.
It’s not a religious issue (we're Hindu’s, but I'm not religious at all), It’s more of a cultural thing.
Asian people can be very narrow minded, especially the older generation, so it’s tough for me.
I'm currently seeing a councillor and hope to put things in perspective.

I hope everything works out buttons I really do. Especially as I like asian guys!

Is there like a support group for gay Hindus or something like that, there probably is in London, or one for Muslims if someone is a Muslim.

Because if you met more gays from your community, chances are they'd know others in the same position so you might eventually meet a woman in that position and be able to make an arrangement.

I'm not saying a marriage of convenience is the optimum solution, but if you really have no other choice but to marry then your options are limited and would therefore be best to find a likeminded person to do it with.

It's horribly unfair to the woman/girl who get's stuck with a gay husband and totally selfish for you to do this to her just to please your parents. I don't care what your background or religion is it's 2010!
Be a man and just say no.

The parents want grandchildren.

its easier said than done.. go back 50-60 years in UK history, ask british people what they did? ie come out or married someone? most people would have said that they married rather than coming out..

its easier to say "be a man" but harder to put yourself in other people's shoes.. if everyone manned up then we wouldnt lie, cheat etc..

I agree, it's always easier said then done but when you're dragging another unsuspecting person's life into this it's selfish. This is not the time of Oscar Wilde and the thought of sacrificing someone's elses happiness so you can please and decieve your parents is just wrong. Homosexual's aren't thrown in jail for being gay in Britian anymore and no matter how sheltered the parents may be, everyone there has heard of and is exposed to gay people to some degree thru media, the workplace and every aspect of life.
I still say man-up and if you can't come out to your parents insist to them thay you are not the marrying kind.

Thanks for your advice boy1nder...I certainly need to “man up” or “grow a pair” as another poster suggested. Courage is most definitely something I am lacking at this moment.

I don’t think my post mentioned I took the decision to marry; it was more of an expression of the family pressures brining me down. I am aware it would be selfish to marry a woman and how unfair it would be not to love her how she deserves to be. I have young female family members; I would be devastated for them if their husbands turned out gay. I am an empathic individual and like to think I see things from other angles.

regardless of what time it is.. would you say oscar wilde was less of a man because he didnt "man up"?
i didnt go that far back unless you think oscar wilde was born 50-60 years ago?
remember though maybe its the 21st liberal century for you.. but not for others.. if it was 21st C for everyone then there wouldnt be any bloodshed etc etc.. it is not about hearing about gays or not its about acceptance.. we know boyfriend/girlfriend thing exist yet it is still seen as bad in our culture both morally, culturally and from a religion pov..

Excuses excuses. How will any culture change for the better if individuals kowtow to old tired beliefs because of fear. The cultural revolution of the 1960"s took off because brave and couragious young people had new ideas that they acted upon and a lot of the world caught up to that eventually changing society and culture in a good part of the world. Those "kids" of that time took a lot of shit just for growing their hair long or protesting a crappy war often having the shit beat out of them or thrown into jail all of which went way beyond just not pleasing mom and dad, and out of this movement came Gay Liberation...Yay!
And of couse I know the era of Oscar W.; times were way different then and even 50 60 years ago but that's the beauty of the 21st century and thanks to media and we all know what is possible.
No matter what your arguement I think it sucks to mess up a girls life so you don't have to face mom and dad and unless you live in Saudi or some oppresive country that will kill you for being gay or speaking up to your parents then you'll have to live with yourself and if you think that's being a man, well I guess we have different ideas on that.

i want robert grimes

You're not entertaining any more.

Boy1der I get your point but I do think you're underestimating the pressure that buttons maybe under, its could be a case of get married or we'll assume you're gay and completely disown you. And when you really think about losing your entire family all at once over something so insignificant, its actually quite terrifying.

You can marry the guy/girl whom you love or you can love the guy/girl whom you marry.
The sex dies out after 18 months anyway (for some it's sooner and for some later).
But if you are gay and you marry a girl then at some point you have to be totally honest with her rather than live a lifetime of deception. When that time is is for the individual to decide. But a marriage has to be based on honesty and trust. (I suspect that most girls in a "non-accepting culture" won't take it well before or after the nuptials. It's a tough one.)

Yeha if only!
My parents had sex all through their marriage and continued to have so even after their seperation...



Oscar Wilde shagged Jude Law.
He wasn't just a man, he was the man!

So did mine!
(although my parents never separated)

I guess both of us grew up in one of the tails of the bell curve.

While you harp on about those courageous people who broke away from the norm. at the same time there were many who didnt....

Just because life is cosy for you and you think its that easy to do stuff. shows you have no understanding of our culture..

Its not like in England where kids just go off on their own and only see their family once every year.. family is an important part.. for button its just his culture, for me its that and my religion..

and just a FYI this new revolution also brought disaster with it.. namely Aids/HIV etc. or drug addiction.. i wouldnt call it a revolution, I would say people wanted to do as they pleased.. and so rebelled.

OK loverboy, I'm like totally over this post and I understand that I can't change your thoughts and that in your culture family (yours) is so important to you that it may be fine to dupe, lie and ruin the life of a young girl to save face even if it fucks up her family.

WOOOOOOOOW HOLD UP!
I agree with you on the point that Boy1nder doesnt seem to get the situation of somebody who lives in a traditional family with certain values and strong connections to each other.
BUT , the gay liberation didnt bring up AIDS!
AIDS is an illness which existed throughout the human existence!
It was isolated in a certain area in Africa over the centuries, the ONLY reason why it broke out so far is...., the world is more connected then it used to be! So EVERY KIND OF DISEASES CAN SPREAD OUT MORE EASILY!
You just use the same bullsh*t what homphobes use against us, that Aids is there because of us!
The same goes for drug addiction etc Excuse me for my french but that has to be said!
AIDS, Drug addiction etc would have been still there, just without being talked about!
And that would've made the situation far worse!

And to Boy1nder, true there have been brave ppl who stood up for our rights.
There have been gays and lesbians who outed themselves in the past so that we can achieve what we have today..... but have you any idea about the prize they had to pay?
It's not about the legal situation I am talking about, it is about the loss of family connection.
It is a matter of fact that Asian and Middle Eastern families have stronger familly ties then European or American families!(Except very religious christians probably)
It's VERY easy to say "be a man, just tell the truth".
But do you have any idea how it is to be rejected by your own family members?
A lot of Asian and Middle Eastern gays and lesbians suffer of depressions , many get rejected by their family....... I don't know about your situation, but being cut out from community and family is a deep loss!

It has been mentioned that he should find other gays who are in the same situation.
It helped me alot when I found other gay and lesbian turkish ppl.....They just have a deeper understanding of what I was going through...

buttons has said that he took the decision to marry. So it looks like that is the starting point from which we have to look at this.

Although I am not Middle Eastern or Asian I feel that I understand a lot of where buttons and loverboy260 are coming from. I'm old enough to be your father (all of you! ), I've traveled all over the world and have been close to many Indians in New York (did buttons say that he is Hindu?). And I gather from other posts that loverboy is Pakistani or Bangladeshi. Is that correct? The south Asian cultures have very strong family bonds and to be disowned from one's family is possibly the worst fate that one could endure. One has to take this into consideration. It's an enormous loss to one's life. And the girl who walks into this marriage is also part of that culture.

The truth is that it is destined to be an unhappy marriage for both buttons and the girl. As I see it the only options are these (and they are all longshots):

1. Tell the girl the truth (rather sooner than later) and win her love and support despite the unwelcome situation.
2. Delicately open up to your parents with the hope of winning their understanding (rather than being disowned by them). I wouldn't use the word "gay" right off. You might win some sympathy if you explain that you are not ready for marriage and any marriage at this time would be an unhappy one. Why? Because you find yourself at present attracted to men and not women. As long as that is the case it will be unfair to any girl. You're not ready.

In your culture it is unlikely that the girl or your parents will take the news well and it could turn out to be a disaster. And I understand that your parents might view the news as humiliating and offensive in view of their social circle. They have any number of (selfish?) reasons for wanting you to get married.

But given all of the choices you have to choose your poison. In my opinion going into the marriage without a word is the worst poison of all unless you "know" that you can find happiness with a woman and family and never again have a romantic or sexual relationship with a man.

If it ever does get to the point where your family will disown you then I wouldn't go quietly if I were you. There have been many studies seeking to understand the cause of homosexuality and to this day there is no consensus. I have read of one study and one "theory" that puts the cause of male homosexuality on the mother. I can't say if that one is true, but if you find yourself being kicked out the door you can always throw that one back.

Good luck. I know that it's not as easy a choice as some of us westerners may think.

i think this guy needs help and advice, not spam.

to some degree i wish there was something i could say but as i haven't told mine yet i don't know how i could help.

do any of your friend konw you're gay? not sure if this has been asked...
might help coming out to someone else first so you sort of get used to the idea of coming out?

UPDATE:

I gave in to pressure from my dad and went to India in December (2010).
I tried my best to say no to "suitable" brides presented to me but towards the end of the trip my dad and family members just wanted me to just choose someone ASAP.

I felt closed in on, lonely and frustrated. I reluctantly said yes to a girl my dad liked. So I met the girl on a Friday and got engaged on the following Tuesday and flew back to the UK couple days after this. It was all very quick and the wedding is due on the end of April (2011).

On the last week of February I "Ran away" from home leaving a note saying I was gay.
It been a month now and my dad will not stop the wedding. He thinks an herbal Indian doctor will cure me and thinks it’s due to my mind not being developed properly as I was a premature baby.
My sisters haven't been great either and keep referring to my sexuality as a "decision" and that it will ruin my life and relationship with the family. They keep questioning it, saying if you haven’t been with anyone how can you know.

Obviously my family is very upset I have left home and they keep asking me to come back home. The problem is they will just persuade me to get married.
Also, my dad doesn’t want to stop the wedding as a lot of money has gone into it and everyone knows about it. Also, not going through with the wedding will taint the girl's reputation. Note to mention knock our familes reputation. My dad is worried the girls family will even put a court case towards us if the wedding doesn't happen.
My dad is so desperate, he said to just go through with the wedding and if any problems occur after we’d just explain it to the girl and she will adjust!

It’s all a bit stressful at the moment.

Oh no.

It always seems to be girls that are forced into marriages in the news.

I take it you are in some touch with members of your family, as you have heard about what they are saying.

Do you feel safe? Maybe you should look into getting some advice if not.

Hope it all works out ok. Maybe the girl won't want to get married if she finds out the truth....

I don't really know anything about arranged marriages but can you talk to your bride about this?

Perhaps she'd help you out of this?

I'd wondered that, but I'd imagine that she doesn't have a lot of say either.

I'm sorry you're going through this hellish situation, buttons.

I've found a list of websites on this page to do with forced marriages and getting advice, with links to charity sites.

It seems to be mainly concerned, perhaps understandably, with women's welfare, but I'd imagine some of the charities would also help men affected - or refer you to relevent organisations.

I hope you get the help you need.

buttons, do you "like" the girl?
If you are forced to go through with the marriage is she someone who could be your friend if not your lover? Or was there not enough time to get to know her? It sounds like you just picked someone under pressure. TBH, not to be disrespectful, but it sounds like your culture treats its children like commodities.

Can you not just totally get away from your family and cut off all contact with them?

I know that's such a huge thing to do but they're not supportive and you're never going to be able to live your life for you.

You absolutely cannot marry the girl...

That wouldn't be much of a marriage for her though, would it?

Unfortunately a lot of the time that isn't a consideration, its amazing what people will put up with just so that they can do their 2 years in the UK and qualify for settlement.
[/cynical]

To the OP, I was married, I was not "forced" in to it, other than by my own perceptions of what my family wanted. Putting any cultural pressures aside, you are fortunate in that you recoginse now that this is not what you as a person want to do.

If you go through with it, sooner or later it will become untenable, it would be better for you on so many levels to stand firm and do what is right for you.

Maybe she's a lesbian, or one of those women who has too many headaches for a fun sex life anyway.

Your misogynist remarks are 1) boring and 2) not helpful to the OP.

Why do you ever keep posting such crap?

OP, you CANNOT marry this girl. It's 2 lives totally wasted. Get in touch with those helplines and see what you can do to help you out of this mess .