A lady rings her local hospital and this conversation follows:

'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She
was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'Do you know which ward she is in?'

'Yes, ward P, room 2B'

'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'

'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'

'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I
was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or
improved?'

'I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's
condition has improved. She has regained her appetite, her
temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight,
she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.'

'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!'

'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'

'No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you f*ck all in
here...'

ARE YOU DRUNK!?

In other news, I did actually LOVE the name 'Tiptree', its class!

I wish it were my name!

Suits you...

Thanks

WANNA MAKE OUT!?

Hell yeah, but lets get a room before the boss chucks us out for derailing a topic. Unless you wanna tell a joke?

I liked it. The joke, I mean.

Are YOU drunk?




Two parrots sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and says "do you smell fish?".

A catholic priest was summoned to the Vatican for a three week meeting, but the only substitute available was a young priest with no experience whatsoever.

"I feel up to the challenge Father", said the young priest, "but I am not sure about how to run the confessional. What form of penance do I prescribe for the various sins I will be confronted with?"

The experienced priest left him a list coordinating sins and penance, and reassuring the young man, he left for Rome.

The young priest's first confessional was soon upon him, and he was quite nervous as he stepped into his booth clutching the list his predecessor left him.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have had impure thoughts about a woman I work with." came the first voice.

Nervously the young priest checked his list:

Impure thoughts: see also Adulterous thoughts, Disrespectful thoughts, Murderous thoughts

He then referred to adulterous thoughts and found that 4 hail Marys were appropriate. Relieved, he prescribed the penance.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.", said the next person, "I took $50.00 from my employers desk!"

The young priest looked to his list again, and immediately found:

Stealing:

> $10.00 10 hail Marys > $100.00 20 hail Marys > $1000.00 50 hail Marys > $10000.00 80 hail Marys and five rosary prayers

After assigning the appropriate penance, the young priest calmed down and felt confident in his list to provide him with the appropriate answer. He waited a while until his next confessor arrived.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.", said the man, "I was butt-fucked by another man!"

The young priest again consulted his list. To his dismay, anal sex was not listed. He checked rectal intercourse - nothing. Homosexual experience also showed nothing. He couldn't even find it under butt-fuck, ass-fuck, bottom, arse, everything he looked for was somehow absent from his list.

Finally, he grabbed a choirboy, who just happened to be walking by. He asked quite hurriedly, as he knew the confessor was waiting.

"What does the priest give for a butt-fuck?" he asked

"Oh, sometimes a Mars, sometimes a Snickers." replied the choirboy...

^^ Sam You Rock!

I have a wierd sense of humor and I just wanna say the thing that has me laughing is CcH avatar... I fuckin love it I have been meaning to tell you... Mr Bean ROCKS>>>>> one of the funniest men on the planet....



Cindy

Always a favourite.

Awesome Footie....

I still stand by my Mickey Avalon My Dick song... This shit is real funny... Its the best... Youll laugh your head off...




Cindy

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town. One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

"Mrs Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realised that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few moments, the reverend wound up on top of Mrs Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

The reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps."

The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish."

Absolutely superb. I'm still chuckling. All worth it if only for that two lines.



Thanks Cindy. I still laugh when looking at it even tho I've seen it over and over.
Although he is a bit



Cool, witty, understated. I like!
I also like your sigs, you do them yourself dontcha? Very impressed

This made me laugh out loud. Thanks

just rang dominos pizza and ordered a thin and crusty supreme.....
diana ross turned up

Seven English men and an Irishman are in a rape line-up...
The victim walks in,
Paddy steps forward and shouts "thats her, the miserable bitch"

a vicar books in to a hotel and say's to the women on the reception "i hope the porn channel in my room is disabled"
the woman replies "no it's just regular porn you sicko"

Breaking news mick hucknall has been arrested for shagging a rabbit.
A police source said they found him 'HOLDING BACK THE EARS' singing " bunnies 2 tight to mention

2 Irish couples decide to swap partners.
Afterwards Paddy said to Murphy that's the best f*ck I've ever had,
I wonder how the girls got on ?

A wife says 2 her husband,
''Bulls can fuck 3000 times a year, Why can't you?''
The husband replies, ''Ask the bull if he fucks the same cow every night !"

Two sausages are frying in a pan. One turns to the other and says 'Jesus, it's hot in here'.

The other turns and says 'Shit! A talking sausage!

I had a 'man's problem' so my Doctor refered me to a urologist. The urologist was a blond tanned green-eyed 25 year old hunk with a dazzling smile and toned body. He began the examination. After a while he told me that he was sorry, but I would have to stop masturbating. When I asked why, he said: "BECAUSE I'M TRYING TO EXAMINE YOU!"

A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks a clerk for an anal deodorant. The clerk explains that they don't stock such a thing. The man insists that he bought his last one from this store. The store clerk passes the man on to the pharmacist, who explains that the store has never stocked such an item. The man explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago, and has done for several years. The pharmacist asks the man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product.

The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety. The customer explains that the instructions on the reverse state, "Push up bottom to use."

This was at the end of an E-mail I got this morning. Its horrible but made me laugh anyway.

Some people are like slinkies. Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs...

Have you heard the one about a baby seal who walks into a club?

Q. If you are an AMERICAN when you go into the bathroom, and you are an AMERICAN when you come out of the bathroom....What are you WHILE you are in the bathroom?
















A. EUROPEAN... of course!

That was terrible.

If you really have to go you might be Russian.

... that was worse!

.............Took me ages to get that!!!!

Oh, I hope you don't tell us.

Tip of the day: If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.





Two cows in a field. One turns to the other and says "What do you make of this whole mad cow disease thing?" To which the other replies "Doesn't bother me, I'm a helicopter"






"A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day." She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done..."






Two strangers meet in a bar. "Would you sleep with me for a million pounds?" "Yes, I suppose I would." "How about £100" "What?! What sort of person do you think I am?" "We've already established what sort of person you are. We are now simply haggling over the price."






A man from Poland goes to the optician, who shows him a card with the letters, C Z W X N Q S T A C Z. "Can you read this?" the optician asks. "Read it?" the Pole replies, "I know the guy!"






What do the movies Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common?


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Icy Dead People






And finally... Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walked up the aisle of the plane. Both were wearing dark glasses, one was using a guide dog, and the other was tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spread through the cabin, but the men entered the cockpit, the door closed, and the engines started up.

The passengers began glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this was just a little practical joke. None was forthcoming. The plane moved faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realised they were headed straight for the lake at the edge of the airport. As it began to look as though the plane would plough into the water, panicked screams filled the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifted smoothly into the air. The passengers relaxed and laughed a little sheepishly, and soon all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane was in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

I really hope that was sarcasm!

Made me laugh most out of all the jokes on ere.

A man walks into a shop and say's to the shopkeeper, can I have a twirl and a boost please.

The shopkeeper looks at him, spins round and say's 'honey you look fabulous'.





Sooo immature, but seriously one of my favourite jokes ever!!

I didnt like to say anything.


Oh, that might be my new favourite joke.



Was it the same same shop that a guy walked into and said to the shopkeeper "can I have a Kit Kat Chunky?" and the shopkeeper looked at him and said "who the fuck you calling chunky, ya bastard?"

?

As long as we're telling bad jokes here's one for you.
New York City school children tell it to each other.

Q. How did Staten Island get its name?

A. When Henry Hudson sailed into New York harbor (under the Dutch flag) he pointed in that direction and said to his first officer: "Is shtatt an island?"

Oh, Boo! Well if we're going down that road... The first joke I ever told anybody was,
"Why did the man jump off the Empire State Building? Because he wanted to be a big hit on Broadway!" Gimme a break, I was like five years old.

I shouldn't be picky, but the Empire State Building, which is at Fifth Avenue and 34th Street, is a looooooong block away from the intersection of 34th Street, Sixth Avenue and Broadway.

There's some serious american willys being waved in here!

great.

it's quite possible that joke only works here tho . I can try that in work tomorrow, but I can't see the same response. Think the 'honey you look fabulous' would be completely lost on the neaderthals.

Yes, Love I know that now... but like I said, I was 5 years old! and anyway, if the jummper Arched far enough...

By the Bi, am I utterly perverted to think Mr. Bean is cute?

I'm assuming that comment is a continuation of the "joke" theme?...

Brilliant - very queenie but the best yet!!

two from me:

i once owned a paper shop
but it blew away

what does a rat and a man united fan have in common?
you are always 3 meters away from one


oh and one terrible one which i obviously found hilarious:

why did the girl fall off the swing?
because someone threw a fridge at her

*** Makes an effort to understand British humor. ***

*** Picks up his dead parrot and goes home to Notlob ***

*** Makes an effort to understand North Carolina humor. ***

I'm from Ohio.

I thought that you're living down south somewhere (NC?). No?