Is that an excuse or an explanation...?

I'd say Devynethang is a Monty Python fan...

It was a correction, nothing more. But yes, Python Roolz!

Two aerials go to the church and get married. The wedding was pretty poor but apparently the reception was amazing.



"Doctor! I have a strawberry growing out my ear!"
"I think I have some cream for that"






... I may need to stop talking to you now you have said that. I dont think I can be associated with people ... like you.

I had to wiki 'twirl' and'boost' to find out they were Cadbury products...

yeah, I didn't get that one either.

Yes twirl and boost are choccy bars. Mighty fine ones at that. Did someone say Mr Bean was cute? I'm sorry... cute? Hello?

I find him funny and that's why he's there <- but still... 'cute' ummmm... No!

Do you get out much?

Don't know what whether I get out much has to do with it...
Perhaps if Cadbury's exported their products to mainland Europe, I might be able to share your joy regarding these confectionery items.

*makes note to buy a Twirl and a Boost next time is in Britain*

ps is Twirl a resurrected Curly Wurly?
just found out that it isn't...

Ok, my apologies to our Non-UK, mainland European friends. I didn't know the state of choccy imports, hence the 'not getting out' comment.

You know what a CurlyWurly is tho, and thats fantastic. One of my faves. A real toothbreaker that one can be. If you want to sample a selection of UK choccy bars let me know and I'll send you a selection. It's nearly Christmas after all!

Can't have you going without.

Please don't give them any ideas.
The French, Belgians and Swiss are already doing a fine job covering continental Europe with chocolates. (I would guess that Italian chocolates are pretty good. Yes? Never had any.)
Whatever happend to that EU lawsuit where France wouldn't allow the importation of English chocolates because they didn't meet French standards for cocoa butter content?

... and then back to jokes.

I got this texted to me yesterday


Just got back from Mumbai-Fuck me that Hotel murder mystery weekend was a bit over the top

can't say anymore

Yep bad taste waits for no one

A man walks into the jungle and sees a monkey with a tin opener.
The man says, "You don't need a tin opener to eat a banana."
The monkey says, "It's for the custard you daft bastard."

That used to be my signature!

yeah - the Mr. Bean Avatar totally kicks ass!!

Aaaaand he's cute! I don't mean in the "pull his pants down, bend him over and leave him with nothing but a pleasant memory" cute. I just wanna hug him because he makes me laugh and he seems sweet and clueless, bringing out the paternal instinct in me.

Brilliant.

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

Stunned, she starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."


After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "But, how many is a Brazilian?"

That made me chuckle!

xx

By the power vested in me through the interweb thingy I resurrect this thread! Here's another joke...

Tree Hugging


While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?'

'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.

'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'

'No, would you like to give it a try?'

Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...' So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you?'

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, 'This just isn't gonna be your day, cupcake...'

Love it!

Did we have this one in here?

How do you get four gayers on a stool?




Turn it upside down.

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'


Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the Principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

^^

Not really a joke, but I got this text from a friend:

Congratulations from www.sweetshop.uk. You have won the weight of your brain in sweets. To collect your Tic-Tac please contact us at www.Thick-as-shit.com

I sent it on to a few friends, one actually tried to go to the website

Si.

What's green and smells like Miss Piggy?

Kermit's finger!

It took me a while to get that!


Epic!

I just tapped that into my phone and sent it to about ten people on this side of the Ocean.

I always got the impression Americanlanders didn't deal with texting?

Or SMSing. Or whatever you calls it.

few from me:

How do you keep an idiot in suspence?
I'll tell you tomorrow!

"It's easy to distract fat people - infact, it's a piece of cake"

A Chelsea player is transferred to Spurs but his first match doesn't get off to a good start. the substitutes start warming up before half time. One of them informs the player that the manager is going to pull him off at half time. "Fantastic!" says the player "At Chelsea we only got an orange and a bottle of water"

When i asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day she replied "anything with diamonds!" I got her a pack of playing cards

a policeman is driving down the road when he spots a house with the front garden piled high with shopping trolleys. curious, he pulles over and knocks the door a woman answers the door. the policeman asks where she got the trolleys from, she replied "I got them from the supermarket. i know it's silly to have so many but i can't resist a bargain. they're only a pound each.

thats all for now. i have another one but it's long and i can't be bothered to type it out at the moment.

Don't know what give you that impression... we do, quite a bit. I get several a day.



New joke from me...

A Welsh farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting
pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should
try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not
wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know
when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop
standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they
are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion
that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate; the sheep
himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out
into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to
bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they
are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't
take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the
woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and
goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
"Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive
them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon
returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look
out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep
are lying in the grass.


"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is
beeping the horn."

Makes me wonder what else those Welshmen will get up to.

I sent that to a bunch of friends... one actually text back "What's that mean?"

No accounting for some peoples humour... or lack there of

I also got this text from the same friend who sent me the previous one :

Today is international day for spaz's. Please send an encouraging message to a retarded friend, just as I've done. I don't care if you lick windows, interfere with farm animals, vote labour or occasionally shit yourself. You hang on in there sunshine you're fucking special!

If it hadn't made me laugh so hard I'd have slapped the friend when I saw them next

Si.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

Tag at the end of an email I got today:

I signed up for joining a penal colony but well long story short,
it wasn't what I thought it was going to be.

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He Traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a Big black bear.

The black bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices.
Either I maul you to death or we have sex.' After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.

So the black bear had his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two Weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and Shot it dead.

Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

The grizzly said, 'That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and You've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have 'rough sex.'

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than Be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.

Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed To track down the grizzly bear and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said,


'Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?'

What is pink and wrinkly and hangs out your pyjamas?




















Your granny.

How do you know Cherie Blair was always on top during sex?

Cuz Tony can only fuck-up....

>>> Lipstick in School <<<

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were
beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was
fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to
the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the
girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all
the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She
explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the
custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the
yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned
the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers... and then there are educators.

*groans*

And nine out of ten men who've tried Camels prefer women.

Three Vampires walk into a bar and sit down.

The bartender comes over and ask them what they want to drink
1st Vampire: Give me a shot of blood
2nd Vampire: I want a double shot
3rd Vampire: All I want is a cup of hot water

So the bartender goes and gets the drinks and comes back. He hands them the drinks, but looks kind of confused.

The bartender asked the 3rd vampire why didn't you order any blood the vampire pulls out a tampon and replies "I'm making tea".

Quite like that joke

Whats a gay horse's favourite food?




Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

a penguin is driving down the road (just go with it, ok?) when suddenly his car begins making noise and smoke come from under the bonnet. He pulls into a garage and tells the mechanic how the car is behaving.

The Mechanic tells him it will be about a two hour wait. The penguin decides to pass the time at ice cream shop where he orders a vanilla cone.

Having no hands and only flippers the little thing struggles to eat the ice cream. makes a mess of himself and gets it all over his face. After finally finishing the cone he goes back to the garage where the mechanic tells him,

"It looks like you've blown a seal.

"No, no!" says the penguin, "that's just a little ice cream."

Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction jokes:

I always thought seals ate penguins?

Fish. They both eat fish.






The grand canyon was created by a Scotsman who dropped 50p in a ditch...