A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem
with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell
and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times
since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because
they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next
week."

The next week the lady comes back.

"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my
farts, although still silent, stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work
on your hearing."

My mate always wanted to be run over by a steam train - when it finally happened he was chuffed to bits.

New Miley Cyrus DVD: £15

Tub of Vaseline: £3

XL Box of Tissues: £2

The look of disgust on the cashiers face as you pay: Priceless

My new T-shirt

The FA have scrapped ideas of the Premier League getting a Christmas break. They no longer believe in Setanta Clauses

Roflcoptersupermagazordfryuptime!!

I think I respect you a little less now......

LOVE the t-shirt one!!

I'm geussing that at some point you have used copy and paste. or Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V if you will

Fuck yea!

I couldn't remember anything after Rolf Copters.

Little Tony returns from school and says he got an F
in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks his father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said
'6'", replies little Tony.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is
3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?" asks his
father.

"That's what I said!"

In a survey, a group of women were asked "is your cunt still sensitive 5 minutes after sex?"

98% said "no, he's asleep"

What is the difference between a homosexual and a fridge freezer??




The fridge freezer doesn't fart when you take the meat out...

^^ LMFAO

Si.

I went into the back of another car this morning. The driver got out... he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy..."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

OK, I've told this one on another thread about a year ago...

What's the difference between a microwave and Anal sex?



A microwave won't turn your meat brown.

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't.

^ I see what you did there.

That one I liked!

• A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
  
• What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)
  
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  
• A backward poet writes inverse.
  
• In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.
  
• She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
  
• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  
• If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
  
• With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
  
• Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
  
• When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
  
• The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
  
• A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.
  
• You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
  
• Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN downunder.
  
• He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
  
• Every calendar's days are numbered.
  
• A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
  
• A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
  
• He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
  
• A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  
• The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was small medium at large.
  
• Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  
• When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
  
• Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
  
• When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
  
• Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
  
• Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
  
• Acupuncture is a jab well done.
  
• Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat

Congratulations. A pun is it's own reword.

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "madam, it says here that you should be wearing glasses." The woman answered "well i have contacts" The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer. The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club. "You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.

A couple in dire financial straits decide to give their newly-born identical twin boys up for adoption. Unbeknownst to them, one is adoted by a family of Middle-Eastern origin and they decide to call him Jamal. The other boy is named Juan by his Spanish family.

When Juan reaches adulthood, he decides to trace his biological family and sends a letter to them along with a photo. His mother is overcome with happiness and expresses her wish to see a photo of her other boy. "What's the point?", asks her hubby, "When you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal!"

Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Mr. T died in a plane crash and end up standing before God. God asks them what they want.

Mr T. says: "I want to be your right-hand man!"
Arnie says: "I want to be your left-hand man!"

Chuck says: ' Get the fuck outta my chair!"

Before Alaska became the 49th state, Texas was the largest state in the union.
One Texan, distraught at no longer being a citizen of the largest state, goes to Alaska and asks how he can become an Alaskan citizen.

He was told that he has to do three things to become a citizen:
1. drink a gallon of tequila
2. fight a Kodiak bear
3. fuck an Eskimo
He says that he'll do it!

The next day he comes back to the office drunk as a skunk, his clothes are in shreds and he's bleeding all over.
He says: "OK, where's that Eskimo that I have to fight?"

^

Two drunk men visit a brothel.
The Madame takes one look at them & say's "Put two inflatable dolls in their rooms, they're too old and drunk to notice."
During the walk home the first man says,"I think my girl was dead, she didnt move or make a sound."
The second guy says, "Could have been worse. I think mine was a witch"
"A witch? Why do you say that?"
"Well i gave her a bite on the arse, she farted in my my face and flew out the window."

If you heard this on the telly the other night then I'm sorry

Viagra are the proud new sponser of Andy Murray. For those who can only ever achieve a semi.

What are Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett getting for Christmas?

Patrick Swayze.

This one is golden.

how do you piss of lady gaga ? ....... poke her face haha

^^^^^^

Already done 4 months ago, sorry.

Father Christmas asks little Jenny what she wants for a present. "I want a Barbie doll and a GI Joe," she says. "I thought Barbie came with Ken," replies Santa. "No," says Jenny "Barbie comes with Joe. She fakes it with Ken."

Q. What's the world's most successful pick up line (I think you all call it a Pull in Line)





















A. "Does this smell like chloroform?"

You may like this one:

A Nun walks into her doctor and complains of feeling sick, she was stunned when the doctor told her she was pregnant.

Next day, after thinking what could have happend, she storms into the monastry where the monks lived and shouted,
"RIGHT WHICH ONE OF YOU DIRTY BASTARDS HAVE BEEN WANKING OVER THE BLOODY CANDLES?"

This may only make sense those who do not benefit from socialized medicine.

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital when during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously
"Oh my GOD!!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful!!! Why is he doing that??"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't masturbate at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh well, in that case, I guess it's ok." commented the woman.

In the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it was obvious that a male nurse was performing oral sex on him.
Again, the female benefactor screamed,
"Oh my GOD!! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly,
"Same illness, but this guy has better insurance."

Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes.

Please give just a small donation of £2 and....






















we will send you the video; it's fucking hilarious!

Cross stitchers.

If embroidery makes them so moody, why don't they pick another hobby?

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on

the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken

stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.


'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'

He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.


'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'


'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband (soaking wet)

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband..

'Over here on the swing!' replied the drunk.

^^^


What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose??

Full

NEWSFLASH. scientists have made a breakthrough & discovered that the female gender carry intelligent cells. Unfortunately 95% of them spit it out.

A man gives blood to his poorly wife to keep her alive. Unfortunatly, they break up. The man demands "I wan't my blood back" so the wife throws a tampon at him and says "I'll pay monthly"

Two tampons were walking up the street side by side. What did they say to one another?

Nothing... they were both stuck up cunts.

The biggest LOL I've done in ages!

Why can't you get a cup of tea at Anfield?

All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Old Trafford

Haha must use that one, someone did tell me a funny joke about liverpool today but its slightly offencive, plus it really wouldnt sound as good if you read it.

...British woman who had both legs amputated wins Strawberry picking contest...jammie cunt.

the Flintstones Movie is being played in the Middle East. Apparently the people of Dubai don't like it, but the people of Abu Dhabi Doo!

i feel like a yo momma joke;
"yo momma so fat that when she wore a yellow raincoat people kept saying taxi!"

Selling Biscuits for 49p a pack? That's ASDA Price. Selling pathetic rape claim stories to the Sun? That's Katie Price.

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."