i think i actually weed myself a bit.

After years of avoiding the subject, Ricardo decides it's time to come out to his Italian mamma. He finds her in the kitchenand tells her he's a homosexual.
"You mean, you're gay?" asks mamma tearfully.
"Yes mamma" he replies.
"You mean you do all those dirty sex things with other men?"
"I do mamma" says Ricardo.
"You mean, you even put other men's genitals in your mouth?" asks mamma.
Yes mamma" he says.
"I see", says mamma. She wipes away a tear, then starts hitting Ricardo with a ladle. "So you put men's dicks in your godamn mouth and you have the nerve to complain about the taste of my lasagne?"


*****

What do a gay man and a bungee jumper have in common?
>> If the rubber breaks, they're both in the shit!

*****

What's the quickest way to empty the men's restroom?
>> Shout, "Nice dick!"

Where does Kylie Minogue buy her kebabs???


































at the Jason Doner van

A chicken sandwich goes into a bar and asks "can I have a pint and can I have a look at your menu?"
The barman says "sorry, we don't serve food"

Bloody awful that.









Discrimination has got out of hand.

What's the biggest difference between men and women?

What they mean, when they say: "I got through a whole box of tissues watching that film. "

These were my favourite jokes for years:
What do you call a dear with no eyes?



No idea.


AND


What do you call a dead dear with no eyes?


Still no idea.

Got caught stealing a calender.
I got 12 months

What goes zzub, zzub?

A bee flying backwards!

Cam, ^^ that's terrible

Si.

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we
had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern
where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you..'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it
for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and,
having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two
old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so
there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support
aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and
make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she
leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has
ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud
noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and
old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple
struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is
still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask
them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was
something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some
sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't
an electric fence.'

I remember the time I worked at a bowling alley ...


I was only temping though!


[/groan]

A little old lady goes to the Dr. After the regular check-up the Dr. asks her if there's anything different going on or any new developments in her over all health.

"Well," she begins, "Lately, every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."

"My goodness!" exclaims the Dr. "What have you been doing for it?"

She winks at the Dr. and says, "Snorting Pepper!"

Some jokes with a postmodern twist here...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=svLyyzBC_qI

My dad sent me this one, told by Clement Freud.




It's obviously much better told by him, so here's a link

Si.

This was in an email I got this morning... Over the top, maybe?


I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
I got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

What did one strawberry say to the other?
.
.
.
If you had listened to me, we wouldn't be in this jam!




There's a joke from the Vicar of Dibely that I've never ever got :

Two nuns in a bath. One says, "Where's the soap?" The other says, "Yes, it does, rather."

Could some please explain it? I've always wondered how it was meant to be funny?!? I'm probably just being really dense.

Good grief! I heard this one about 30 years ago...anyway, it's a play on pronunciation. The first nun asks "Where's the soap?" i.e. "Where IS the soap?" and the second nun understands "Wears the soap" as in "Wears out/down the soap" and confirms that (indeed, the activity of pleasuring oneself with a bar of soap) it does...

On a similar note, 4 more nun jokes that date back to my Upper school days...

1) Nighttime in the convent, Mother Superior enters the dormitory and calls out: "Candles out, sisters!" (here you have to make a sound that resembles candles being extracted from orifices...)

2) 2 nuns want to buy a bottle of gin, but the shop assistant only lets them when they explain it's for 'medicinal purposes'. Closing the shop later, he finds the 2 sisters pissed as farts rolling in the gutter. He is angry that they lied to him but they explain: "Mother Superior is constipated...when we get back to the convent in this state, she'll crap herself!"

3) A flasher runs past 2 nuns who are sitting on a park bench. One nun has a stroke, the other can't reach far enough.

4) What's balck and white and can't turn round in a corridor? A nun with a javelin through her head.

I have a another nun joke!

2 nuns are driving down a country lane when a vampire jumps on the front of their car.

Nun 1: Quick! Show him your cross!

Nun 2: GET OFF MY FUCKING BONNET, YOU PRICK!

..

Paddy asks Murphy:
Why do scuba divers fall off the boat backwards?
Murphy replies:
You stupid twat Paddy, if they went forwards they'd still be on the boat.

The big pharmaceuticals plant in my town was burgled last night and around 1 million Viagra tablets were stolen.

Police say they are looking for hardened criminals.

Viagra eyedrops-- they make you look hard

One of the sisters in a convent runs into the Mother Superior's Office and says, 'Mother Superior, we have a case of syphillis in the convent'.

The Mother Superior says 'Thank goodness for that, I'm getting sick and tired of that Beaujolais'

GENTLEMEN: BE WARNED!

I don't how many of you shop at Tesco, but this may be useful to know.

I am posting this to you to warn you of something that happened to me,as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

This happened to me at Tesco in Didsbury and it could happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two good-looking 18-year-old lads come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the boot. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windolene, their cocks bulging out of their skimpy shorts

It will be impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them payment, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another supermarket.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.


I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday.




and returning to the Nun theme....


A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know father.", the nun answered.
"In fact, I don't think it is likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree." said the nun.
"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister would you mind if I touched them?"
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I suppose that would be OK", the priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh father, may I touch it?"
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes it is, sister."
"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass so we can get the hell out of here?"

Nuns lining up for confession, in front of Mother Nun...

Nun 1: "I hugged a man yesterday"
Mother Nun: "Wash your arms in holy water"
Nun 2: "I kissed a man yesterday"
MN: "Wash you lips in holy water"
Nun 3: "I shook hands with man a yesterday"
MN: "Wash your hands in holy water"

Nun 5 suddenly rushes up, knocking Nun 6 out of the way. "Why did you do that for", asks Mother Nun.
"I wanted to gargle the holy water, before she sits in it!"

What about Nun 4?! And wouldn't Nun 6 have been behind Nun 5?! These Nuns have no sense of order!

(this is odd, cos i'm told they are creatures of habit...)

Oof-- you're right There are three types of people in this world-- those who can count-- and those who can't

Ouch! what an appalling pun!

Richard

You can say that again! -->for F.L.

Meh. The pun itself was it's own re-word.






My dad was a nun...

I can't believe I'm going to post this, but... What kind of meat does a priest eat on Friday?





















Nun.

What do you call a Russian prostitute?

Getonurbacubitch

Was that before the operation

Peter Cook was an only twin.

Bah. From Blackadder:

Baldrick: You know my dad was a nun.
Blackadder: No he wasn't.
Baldrick: He was too, sir. Cause whenever he was up in court and the judge asked "occupation", he'd say "none".

I see said the blind man, thanks for the explanation

Two drunken Irishmen in court. Judge says: "Where do you live Mr O'Brien?"
"No fixed abode"
"Mr O'Murphy, where do you live?"
"In the flat above him, Your Honour"

["I have a cunning plan" emoticon]

Cheltenham Races..............!!.

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four?'

'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.

Gay guy goes to a funeral directors to organise his partners funeral. When asked burial or cremation, he says cremation so he can put the ashes in a curry. When asked why he replies...












...so I can feel him dribbling out my arse one more time!

Stephen Hawking was taken to hospital last week. He was described as critical and very close to death as the result of a virus. Doctors stated that it was his own fault as he hadn't updated his software.

courtesy of Frankie Boyle via The Sun

Gay man to woman: 'How can I trust you? You bleed for seven days, and you don't die.'

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor. 'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.' 'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor. 'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the table top! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'

Paddy and Mick go on a roller-coaster.

Mick says "if we turn upside down do you think we'll fall out?"

Paddy says "will we f*ck we have been mates for years"

Chinese proverb:
man who walk through turnstile side ways going to Bangkok!

Two men walk down a road and see a dog licking its balls.

First man says: " I wish I could do that."

Second man replies: "Better pet him first. he might bite."

Like that one! I suppose it's a good enough excuse for this old-timer...

Confuscius say: "Man with hole in pocket, feel cocky all day"

or

Confuscius say: "Man with penis in cash till, come into money"

How does an elephant hide up a tree?

Paints its nails red and pretends it's a bunch of cherries.
----------
How does an elephant get down from hiding up a tree?

Sits on a leaf and waits until autumn.
----------
What's big and grey and hurts when it falls on your head from a tree?

A car park.

Confuscius say Man who fart in church sit in pew alone.