QUOTE(diabeticguy @ Jul 31 2012, 22:32)
I do have a problem. I am jealous.
I see this beautiful, intelligent, funny boy that I adore and I am trying to rush through the last 18 years that I have missed with him. I am envious that he has acquaintances that 'get him' and I seem not to be able to get over my demons and enjoy the experience of being with him. I want to lighten up and have him leave me on a Monday looking forward to seeing me again, not dreading the next visit.
I think you should relax and not rush. Because you can learn about the past 18 years, but due to the situation you can't be part of them - it's just how it is. However, it's no good to decide things that cannot be changed are wrong, as it leaves you nowhere to go from here. Your only option to feel more comfortable about this may be to reconsider how you see the situation. You could see it as having lost 18 years, or as being fortunate to discover about him now and having the chance to be part of now and the future.