I heard the expression 'closed off from love' this week on 'keeping up with the Kardashians' (bad I know) about one of the girls who hadn't had a boyfriend for years and now had one, Kris was saying how pleased she was that the girl was opening up and falling in love after closing herself off for years, and it made me realise that's basically how I feel right now.
Same old story really- had a long term relationship (4 and a bit years), it wasn't perfect but we loved each other alot. That ended last year, had my couple of months of being down about it, had one very low point but then things started to pick up, saw the deficiencies in the old relationship, saw benefits of being single etc and felt happier. It's just now, from about a year on I guess, I started to feel like something is missing in my life.
I've had two short relationships since the big one ended, a couple of months each. They were both nice, one in particular I really did like and could of seen us having something serious. But both ended for one reason or another (guy I really liked was too into his work and I felt negligected coming so far down his list of priorities, other, well clue is in how I describe them I just didn't like him enough I guess). And I think with both of them, as mentioned above, I didn't fully open up enough, I kept too much of me closed off. I didn't put enough effort in. And I am just starting to find it quite frustrating really.
Been in a really angry mood for a couple of weeks really, short tempered, easily offended, it's really not me (in hindsight I can't believe the thing I was getting furious about at work last week, just completely uneccessary, me in my usual happy mood it would have been water off a duck's back). And yeah I asked myself why this anger today because I can't bear it anymore, and I think part of it is I'm angry that I'm closed off.
I don't like it, I feel like I am a good catch, I want someone in my life to share stuff with, but yeah it just doesn't seem to be able to happen. I live in London, have a good job enough friends etc, meet eligible bachelors quite a lot if you will, but I just can't take it to a relationship that would make me happy for some reason. Sorry for long rant, does anyone know how I feel? Can I do anything to help? x