Sexually Incompatible ... Options

[ever_more]

In a previous post, I asked for advice about my relentless singledom. Well, a few months ago I bumped into an old friend by complete chance and after some wonderful, intense meetings a relationship developed. This has made me so happy and I really love my partner, but we are having some sexual problems which I hope you guys can help me with.

I am one of those rare gay men who isn't particularly into anal sex. It doesn't turn me on and I don't fantasize about it in any way. As a consequence, until recently I have never had a sustained sexual relationship with someone involving anal. My experience has been limited to a few clumsy encounters when I was a drunken teenager, none of which I can remember very clearly other than I asked the guy to pull out after a few minutes because it didn't feel right.

My boyfriend is the exact opposite and finds it the most intense and satisfying experience in the world. As a result, we have been having anal sex on a regular basis. I had no preconceptions before we started sleeping together and was actually quite excited by the idea. However, I have been the bottom and I find the experience utterly unbearable. The pain when the penis goes in is so excrutiating that my boyfriend has to immediately pull out and wait for it to ebb away before we can begin again. During sex, I am unable to maintain an erection, and my cock gets to flaccid that it's like something out of a sitcom. I get absolutely no feeling of pleasure whatsoever and it feels like an ordeal.

All of this has obviously led me to conclude that I am probably a top. However, my boyfriend describes himself as a 100% top and is totally unwilling to compromise. He can't even stand his bum being squeezed on night's out!

I really don't know what to do. It's getting to the stage where I feel a sense of panic when I know he's coming round as I have to have anal sex. The problem is, I am completely in love with my boyfriend and in every other respect I'm the happiest I've ever been. I know you'll likely conclude that he is possibly cruel going by his inability to adapt himself to the prospect of being an occasional bottom, but if it makes him feel as awkward as I do then I can completely understand.

I don't know what to do. I'm sure he would love to be having sex with a partner who is totally into it, which makes me feel even more guilty. I know he loves me more than anything and wants to make it work as much as I do. Any advice you can offer would be most appreciated.

[Parsifal]

As I see it you have three choices:

1. Become sexually compatible (90%).
2. Move toward an open relationship if you love each other and want to stay together.
3. Become platonic friends.

To be in a happy satisfying longterm relationship with someone sexual compatibility is a must. Otherwise it's inevitable that one or both of you will start looking for sexual satisfaction elsewhere.

Since you love each other then I would work toward 1. It sounds like that means you learning to love bottoming.

I'm not big on anal sex either so I can't give you first class advice on that. But others on here can and I'm sure they'll be forthcoming with advice on how to enjoy it rather than find it painful and unpleasant.

[stretchmonkey]

I would agree mostly with what Parsy has written. If you do both love each other then you may find that the only way forward (eventually) will be an open relationship, but that doesn't suit everyone obviously.
You may also have a life long loving relationship with someone that you DON'T have sex with!
I would disagree that it's unusual for a gay man not to like anal....i've always been a bit lukewarm towards it and often found partners who were the same. If your partner is adamantly "100% top" then i think there are some issues HE might need to explore as if anyone is placed to appreciate YOUR lack of enthusiasm about it, it should be him.
I'm not surprised that you are dreading the whole event if he is just going at it like a bull at a gate each time. Have you tried using a butt plug yourself before he whacks it in? No wonder you get pain initially and have to get him to withdraw. The pain is caused because you are tensed up. Using a butt plug puts YOU in control and enables you to get comfortable before he pile drives in. You may find that without the fear of pain you may get to enjoy it or at least not hate it. Ultimately though, if he is asking you to do this repeatedly when he knows you arent liking it...you have to ask some questions about how he feels about you.

[AndyJ]

I'm more of a top and haven't actually bottomed in years now but I used to find it horribly uncomfortable. The only times I really enjoyed it was when I would be on top with my partner lying down. Then it was amazing. Being in control of all movement means you can find a comfortable position and rhythm. I also loved being in total control. Which is probably why I'm a top these days!

Remember though, use plenty of lube, get a dildo or plug (nothing massive or scary looking) and have a play before he comes round. Try and relax, it really does make a huge difference.

[chabang]

If it hurts then you're doing something wrong. Aside from talking about the bigger issues you need to start over with the mechanics again and take the time to do it properly and painlessly before you make any decision about giving up on sex

[kaka_brettlee2]

I have no interest in anal either (giving or recieving) if that makes you feel normal.

But I'd like to point out your BF's hypocracy. He wants you to bottom when you clearly don't like it (and dread it!), but he is not willing to do the same for you. You should talk to him about that because a decent partner would always try to compromise and not take what they want without anything in return.

As Parsifal said, you could become open if monogamy isn't that big a deal.

This post has been edited by kaka_brettlee2: Jul 11 2012, 08:18

[ic1male]

Oh, it's so sad to hear of all this "open relationship" talk. It must be an awful feeling to see the man you love with another. I could never agree to that.

If it was me, I'd tell him your true feelings - that you are not keen on it. Maybe as others have said, you should start right back at the beginning. Do lots of foreplay, let him play with your botty with his fingers before he just goes for it. And tell him you want him to try bottoming too and if he won't budge, have a row and throw him out.

As for erections whilst bottoming, from what I have experienced it is rare. Being fucked is not the same erotic pleasure which gives you an erection or else you'd get a hard on every time you did a poo.

[stretchmonkey]

Oh, it's so sad to hear of all this "open relationship" talk. It must be an awful feeling to see the man you love with another. I could never agree to that.

If it was me, I'd tell him your true feelings - that you are not keen on it. Maybe as others have said, you should start right back at the beginning. Do lots of foreplay, let him play with your botty with his fingers before he just goes for it. And tell him you want him to try bottoming too and if he won't budge, have a row and throw him out.

As for erections whilst bottoming, from what I have experienced it is rare. Being fucked is not the same erotic pleasure which gives you an erection or else you'd get a hard on every time you did a poo.

Straying off the path a bit, i've got to say that you needn't feel "sad" for open relationships. I would say that practically EVERY long term couple i've ever known have had "open" relationships in as much as they might have the odd "play away" every now and then. And as for "seeing the man you love with another" I agree i wouldnt like to do that either, which is why so many open relationships have rules, ie "no bringing guys back home" etc etc. I would also say that in my experience it's unusual to start out in an open relationship, the first flush of desire for each other makes it unnecessary, it's just usually something that comes about later (maybe years later). The other option is that the relationship gets torn apart in fits of jealousy and possessiveness after a short time, which happens all to often. I kind of think open relationships show a level of maturity and logic, and also deep trust in one another. I would also say that if someone had said this to me at aged 20 i would have violently disagreed with them!

As for your second assertion, that "erections whilst bottoming are rare"..if you are talking about yourself, then that's okay, but if you are talking about your GENERAL experience with other guys.....well, i couldnt imagine anything further from what i've experienced in my life!

This post has been edited by stretchmonkey: Jul 11 2012, 11:47

[ic1male]

Stretch - my GENERAL experience is watching porn. I never seem to get to fourth base or whatever the term is.

As you can see, my arse does more talking than fucking.

[mrenigma]

Well if both you and your boyfriend would rather not bottom, I think you should try to avoid anal sex. I'm sure you know there are many other ways to satisfy your sexual needs.

If this is not practical and he insists on being the Top and is "unwilling to compromise" then find a better partner who respects your feelings.

This post has been edited by mrenigma: Jul 11 2012, 13:59

[octavian]

I have no interest in anal either (giving or recieving) if that makes you feel normal.

But I'd like to point out your BF's hypocracy. He wants you to bottom when you clearly don't like it (and dread it!), but he is not willing to do the same for you. You should talk to him about that because a decent partner would always try to compromise and not take what they want without anything in return.

As Parsifal said, you could become open if monogamy isn't that big a deal.

I totally go along with k_b2's comment above (except the 'open' issue). I, too, don't like anal in any form, and you may be surprised at the number of gay guys out there with similar feelings - you're certainly not alone.

Have you actually talked to your partner about this? If not, the time has come to be candid with him - to tell him you don't like it, and then discuss other sexual options. It seems your relationship is all give (by you) and no compromise (by him) - which is a shame when everything else is going so well for you.

Do talk, openly, directly and candidly. There's bound to be a way forward if he has any affection for you. Here's wishing you well.

[stulancs]

The erection thing is extremely common, so don't worry about it.

Firstly, not liking being fucked doesn't necessarily mean you're really a top, all it means is you either don't like anal (which is also fairly common), or your boyfriend isn't doing it right. In my experience from both angles, 90% of the time anal is painful, it's usually the top going to fast or aiming wrongly. You only really get how to do it right when you've been versatile. If he refuses to be versatile and you want to continue having anal, you need to teach him to do it properly. Another thing you may want to consider is getting a dildo so you can practice on yourself, find out how you like it and, frankly, loosen things up. If you get yourself used to it, you won't dread it so much and will presumably relax better. There's also poppers. Every once in a blue moon it can be amazing, but you have to actually make the effort to make it so.

I don't think the talk above about open relationships is really applicable. I can understand why someone in a long term relationship might want one - no-one really wants to go through the ordeal of anal every day for years yet no-one wants to deny their partner sex, so an open relationship works perfectly, but not when it's only been a couple of months. If you're considering it now, you're in the wrong relationship.

Another thing that comes across from your post is that you're willing to do something you don't like to please him, but he isn't willing to extend the same courtesy to you. It certainly sounds like there is respect on one side of the relationship but not on the other. I'm guessing you're quite young, you may well find that as you get older, most "100% top" type men also share the same level of disrespect for their partners.

This post has been edited by stulancs: Jul 11 2012, 16:06

[PUllio]

I have never even considered not being flexible when it comes to a potential partner's needs. I prefer being the top but for me, finding out what my partner wants and doing it is an essential part of having sex. That being said, not everyone communicates well and sometimes it's really hard to find out how much and what about it they are enjoying.

Perhaps you haven't made your discomfort clear, or he is just somebody who is only thinking of himself, in which case the relationship will never work.

[Phoenix19]

Please don't run away with the idea that anal sex is the only kind of sexual activity a gay man can enjoy.

I think I may have mentioned it on here before, but I have read more than once that Doctors estimate that approx 40% of sexually active gay adult males do not actually "do" anal sex. So if that's how you feel, you are by no means alone.

If your BF thinks only anal sex will satisfy him, then you may indeed be incompatible.

If, on the other hand, you both want your relationship to last, you could start to explore the million and one other ways that two guys can have fun together.

Just let your imagination run riot and go for it....

This post has been edited by Phoenix19: Jul 21 2012, 00:02

[Parsifal]

Reminds me of a guy I met online some years ago. At first I didn't know it, but he was in a ten-year relationship. He told me that both he and his partner were bottoms and the sex was awful. He said the relationship was over and I got the impression that he had the bf's blessing to get sex elsewhere. We only got together a couple of times and although I'm no longer in direct contact with him I know that he and his partner are business partners at least so they're still in each other's lives if not still living together. But that's what it comes to (after many years ) if the two are sexually imcompatible and wind up frustrated (and horny!). Apparently isn't enough.

Oh, it's so sad to hear of all this "open relationship" talk. It must be an awful feeling to see the man you love with another. I could never agree to that.

I think for mature gay male relationships it's more common than not.
But it's a very individual thing and to each his own.

[stretchmonkey]

A thought occurred to me....(tho the OP doesnt appear to have replied to anyone since he posted his question.. ) is wether his partner is insisting on going bareback? Unless you have had ALL the proper checks this could be quite telling......it is very easy in the first flush of young love to let this type of thing happen...

[ever_more]

Many thanks to everyone who has taken the time to reply to my post. I haven't fully discussed this problem with my boyfriend, at least not as graphically as I have done on here, although I'll bring it up when we next meet. He is very loving and sweet, so we'll definately find a way forward. I should have discussed it with him before now, but I was worried that it could possibly leaad to a break-up. However, things certainly can't continue the way they are, so that is a risk I'm now going to have to take.

I'm very reassured that a) not all guys are particularly into anal and erection problems during bottoming are more common than I thought. I was under the impression that I was a non-functioning homo, so that has really put my mind at rest.

[notwuk]

The big thing here is compromise, for both of you. Your bf is 100% top and, so it would appear, are you (if you have any inclination to anal sex. However, you're the only one trying something different for the relationship.

You need to tell your bf that you find it unbearable and believe that, if anything, you are a top too. You need to work it so that you both play around being top and bottom; both of you have to compromise so that you both get to experience (as it were) both sides of the coin.

With regards to becoming a bottom or at least being a bottom sometimes, it's not the easiest thing to do. I was much like you until one day, I had my prostate massaged with a finger and it game me such wonderful pleasure that I 'opened up' to the idea of being more of a bottom during sex (I'm still not there yet).

The key to being a new bottom is to start slowly - don't think you can ram an erect cock in there and have it pounding back and forth without feeling some pain and discomfort. Start slowly; use fingers, small purpose made toys (and loads of lube!). start playing around with each others' arses but without the assumption its going to lead to full on penetration - and both of you probe each other.

To be really honest, your bf sounds rather selfish, especially if he knows you don't like it and still continues to ask you to bottom. Be honest, start playing around there slowly and most of all, wok on a compromise so that both of you get to experience both elements; you shouldn't be the only one surrendering!

Good luck!

The big thing here is compromise, for both of you. Your bf is 100% top and, so it would appear, are you (if you have any inclination to anal sex. However, you're the only one trying something different for the relationship.

You need to tell your bf that you find it unbearable and believe that, if anything, you are a top too. You need to work it so that you both play around being top and bottom; both of you have to compromise so that you both get to experience (as it were) both sides of the coin.

With regards to becoming a bottom or at least being a bottom sometimes, it's not the easiest thing to do. I was much like you until one day, I had my prostate massaged with a finger and it game me such wonderful pleasure that I 'opened up' to the idea of being more of a bottom during sex (I'm still not there yet).

The key to being a new bottom is to start slowly - don't think you can ram an erect cock in there and have it pounding back and forth without feeling some pain and discomfort. Start slowly; use fingers, small purpose made toys (and loads of lube!). start playing around with each others' arses but without the assumption its going to lead to full on penetration - and both of you probe each other.

To be really honest, your bf sounds rather selfish, especially if he knows you don't like it and still continues to ask you to bottom. Be honest, start playing around there slowly and most of all, wok on a compromise so that both of you get to experience both elements; you shouldn't be the only one surrendering!

Good luck!

[Roger Mellie]

Well, I can only echo the sage advice given above.

Re erection/bottoming thing: Some men's prostates are more sensitive than others, from what I gather; I suppose the reason you don't get an erection whilst defecating, is that it's not a sexual experience (with the exception of some scat enthusiasts, I suppose ); also the gland is being not being 'massaged', since your jobbies are passing through and only going one way (one hopes). Apologies if you've just eaten.

but I have read more than once that Doctors estimate that approx 40% of sexually active gay adult males do not actually "do" anal sex

Aye, various sexual health studies indicate that just under half of gay men partake in anal sex.

[Struan]

This sounds a little like an old fashioned wife. Do you at least get some good presents for putting out?