I'm going to use this as a means to rant more so than anything, as it feels slightly easier than punching a wall .. and less painful.
Any advice would be good too but it really is about not punching that wall.
Had a good old fashioned blazin' fight with my Dad today. How to describe my Dad. I'm 29, he was severely drunk for the first 24 of those years.
He never worked, borrowed money from all of his 7 kids, drove my mum into depression, treated her like shit when she got cancer and treated us all like shit since she died of cancer.
Oh and he lives with me now
Now since Mam passed away 10 years ago, I took responsibility over Dad. He sorted out his alcohol problem a few years back, which is great - very proud and all that. He's still a selfish plonker though, not so proud about that. The rest of my family cut ties with him.
That always bugged me a lot. Led to lots of brother and sister issues to go along with my Daddy issues, whole lot of issues really.
After today, I had the epiphany that they were right. Simply put, he's not a very nice man.
He's the kind of man who made my dying mum get out of bed because he wanted to sleep off his hangover. Who told me if anything happens to her, it's my fault and tells people how everything he has bought in our home came from him, um, that would be me.
Now how did I end up stuck with him. Well, I bought a house and thought let bygones be bygones and I said he should move in with me. He's 75 now, so I figured he shouldn't be by his self in his latter years and there was no one else to look after him. Well, except carers and nursing homes but they have it tough enough without dealing with this tool. Plus I've always been, stupidly, family comes first orientated
So that's how it's played out. My bros and sisters recently started helping out a bit. Which is good but stirs up some anger, resentment and jealousy from me because he likes to declare how fantastic they are and how much better they are than me, and how they should move in too instead of him being stuck with me all the time. Nice!
Now that bugs me, they did nothing for a decade, now they're his idols and I'm the dope who realises that I should of followed their cue and got the fuck away from him.
It's easier to come back once the hard work is done, they told me recently ... I did punch a wall that time.
I'm going to be 30 in January and figure it's my time to live a bit. Travel, have a bit of a life but it's hard to know what to do. I realised today that my Dad is scum, he told me I should be dead instead of Mam ... his face was looking a lot like that wall, but I didn't punch it.
I want gone. But I feel bad about it because I know my family will vanish again and he'll be left alone. They don't like hard work. He's hard work.
I'm confused, worried, angry, sad, depressed about it all and that's far too many emotions for my stupid self to deal with. I punch walls for Christ's sake. I'm too dumb to deal with this. Walls hurt!
Plus my dad doesn't know I'm gay. I never liked him enough to tell him. He might be ok with it, he's had his head up his arse for a long time and seems to get off on it, so who knows. It's funny he always liked my ex - boyfriend Carl. Carl thought Dad was a prick. Smart man that Carl. He also said I'm a doormat for my family to wipe their shitty feet on. Hmmm.
Anyway, that's my rant over. I plan on vanishing for a year, a year to live my life without him in it. Problem is I feel really bad about doing it. Not sure what I should do.
Any advice? Fucking Daddy issues!