Daddy Issues, or that dope I live with Options

[atticus]

Howdy all.

I'm going to use this as a means to rant more so than anything, as it feels slightly easier than punching a wall .. and less painful.

Any advice would be good too but it really is about not punching that wall.

Had a good old fashioned blazin' fight with my Dad today. How to describe my Dad. I'm 29, he was severely drunk for the first 24 of those years.

He never worked, borrowed money from all of his 7 kids, drove my mum into depression, treated her like shit when she got cancer and treated us all like shit since she died of cancer.

Oh and he lives with me now Balls!

Now since Mam passed away 10 years ago, I took responsibility over Dad. He sorted out his alcohol problem a few years back, which is great - very proud and all that. He's still a selfish plonker though, not so proud about that. The rest of my family cut ties with him.

That always bugged me a lot. Led to lots of brother and sister issues to go along with my Daddy issues, whole lot of issues really.

After today, I had the epiphany that they were right. Simply put, he's not a very nice man.

He's the kind of man who made my dying mum get out of bed because he wanted to sleep off his hangover. Who told me if anything happens to her, it's my fault and tells people how everything he has bought in our home came from him, um, that would be me.

Now how did I end up stuck with him. Well, I bought a house and thought let bygones be bygones and I said he should move in with me. He's 75 now, so I figured he shouldn't be by his self in his latter years and there was no one else to look after him. Well, except carers and nursing homes but they have it tough enough without dealing with this tool. Plus I've always been, stupidly, family comes first orientated Balls again!

So that's how it's played out. My bros and sisters recently started helping out a bit. Which is good but stirs up some anger, resentment and jealousy from me because he likes to declare how fantastic they are and how much better they are than me, and how they should move in too instead of him being stuck with me all the time. Nice!

Now that bugs me, they did nothing for a decade, now they're his idols and I'm the dope who realises that I should of followed their cue and got the fuck away from him.

It's easier to come back once the hard work is done, they told me recently ... I did punch a wall that time.

I'm going to be 30 in January and figure it's my time to live a bit. Travel, have a bit of a life but it's hard to know what to do. I realised today that my Dad is scum, he told me I should be dead instead of Mam ... his face was looking a lot like that wall, but I didn't punch it.

I want gone. But I feel bad about it because I know my family will vanish again and he'll be left alone. They don't like hard work. He's hard work.

I'm confused, worried, angry, sad, depressed about it all and that's far too many emotions for my stupid self to deal with. I punch walls for Christ's sake. I'm too dumb to deal with this. Walls hurt!

Plus my dad doesn't know I'm gay. I never liked him enough to tell him. He might be ok with it, he's had his head up his arse for a long time and seems to get off on it, so who knows. It's funny he always liked my ex - boyfriend Carl. Carl thought Dad was a prick. Smart man that Carl. He also said I'm a doormat for my family to wipe their shitty feet on. Hmmm.

Anyway, that's my rant over. I plan on vanishing for a year, a year to live my life without him in it. Problem is I feel really bad about doing it. Not sure what I should do.

Any advice? Fucking Daddy issues!

[atticus]

Thanks again for the advice everyone.

It's been decided that my Sister will let him stay for 6 months at her home, he will spend the following 6 months at my brothers. Then another sister, brother and so on.

It's not ideal and means a lot of change for him but he was heading for a home If I had my way.

They didn't want that so they've come to this compromise.

Came back today to another roaring argument from him. It didn't phase me that much.

The usual, that I should be ashamed of myself for making him move, how he prefers to be with the others anyway and how they will take much better care of him than I did.

"I'm sure they'll take great care of you until you wish them dead", I told him.

He was really hurt by that. His words - why shouldn't I throw them back in his face.

He then walked away with a newly developed limp Another trick of my dad's when he gets upset, he plays the age and health card, so you feel sorry for him. He wasn't limping before that. My words must be powerful

That will be it then. He's not far from me anyway and I'll still do my best by him. I just can't live with him anymore.

My siblings weren't very nice about it. They said it was my job to look after him and he deserves better than a nursing home.

I told them that he would have been in a nursing home since the moment Mam died except I took him in. While they did nothing.

Still not sure, why they think it was my job in the first place. I chose to look after him, it doesn't mean that they were exempt from it or that I didn't need help. I asked them for help many times and they always said no. That they were done with him.

Now I'm a bad brother and he deserves better. My head hurts trying to figure that one out.

So I have an angry Father and angry Siblings telling me how crap I am now. Reinventing history as they go on about how much they have done since mam died.

I'm surprisingly OK with it They belong together. I'm going to enjoy my home for the first time in 10 years.

I will visit him a lot. They told me I better

I told them I'll try for the same amount as them. Sister : Twice in 10 years,. Brother : Once in 10 years. Brother. 0 time in 10 years. Sister : 0 times in 10 years.

That's how I ended it, watching their faces go all red was kind of funny. The didn't have a comeback because there was none. They realised they did nothing, they have their chance now. If they want to make me the bad son. It's all good.

I'll visit him every day. I know how to take care of him, his meds, his diet. I'll still do all that, even though he doesn't deserve it.

I just can't live with him.

The option for a nursing home is there. Dope that I am, I probably would have paid for that too. Glutton for punishment and all that but it's in their hands now.

I'm still not sure why I feel guilt over my Dad and think he deserves to be treated well. I'm not sure why my siblings think the same now when they haven't for 10 years.

It's a break for me now anyway. I can travel or stay content in my home.

Not that bad. Guilt is still there though for some absurd reason. I'm sure it will pass

This post has been edited by atticus: Jun 11 2012, 21:00