Please Help, Any advice welcome Options

[mac-blade]

Hello All. I am posting this as to try to improve myself as it is ruining my life and friendships

I am 30 and have only known I was gay for about 2 years now, I recently came out to a couple of friends who seemed to take it ok but I feel they now treat me differently.
I live in a very backward town in Oxfordshire where it’s not a great place for LGBT people.
I currently am not working as my area is closing down more places than opening and there is so much unemployment that the only jobs are too far away to make it worth it

I have very little confidence and feel like I am a very ugly person from the reasons below

1) My mum left me and my dad when I was 3 years old and since she has never really wanted to know
2) My dad has chosen his friend over me as I hate his friend but he will always defend him, he has taken liberties, just walks over my dad and taken advantage of his good nature.
I have told him several times to get rid of him but my dad just brushes me off and says it is just the way he is.
3) I was bullied all through school and college because I was overweight, I have lost weight but I still feel that I am quite large.
4) I went out with 2 girls and both of them cheated on me all through our relationship and when they broke up with me they said a lot of harsh things that still haunt me.
The second girl said I was ugly and that she only went out with me because she thought no one else would go out with someone so unattractive.
5) I currently live with family as I lost my job and I have very little privacy so I can’t be free to be myself
6) It has been almost a year since I have had any of my online profiles have been looked at


I have very jaded view of the LGBT community and I don’t want that but below are the reasons

1) One of my first meets with a guy went badly and I was almost raped. I was lucky as his flatmates came home and I made an excuse to get out of there
2) I worked with a gay guy who I got on well with but found out that he only wanted to be my friend so that he could practice on me for his boyfriend.
3) Almost every guy I have talked to has just wanted sex from me even though I state quite clearly that I am after friendship
4) On a lot of the sites I have been abused quite badly about how I look.

All the above has made me believe that all the LGBT community are just like the stereotypes that are out there and I really don’t want to believe that they are all shallow and just after sex


Sorry for this being such a long post

Thanks for your time

[stretchmonkey]

I'm getting some mixed messages from your posting here...
First of all, i can say that you seem to hold on to negative comments much more than positive ones (but don't we all) Try and remember that people that say nasty things to you often do it to make themselves feel bigger. Whenever you start to dwell on things people have said to put you down, then consciously replace those thoughts with positive things people have said to you over the years. I bet you have had loads of compliments through your life.
You dwell on people saying you are "ugly" etc, but then you say that most guys you meet want to have sex with you! This must suggest to you the opposite surely? Why are you so against sex anyway? It can be fun and have all sorts of physical benefits. Many guys ofcourse will have sex and then you'll never see them again, but also many guys can become firm friends (with no sex involved).
Maybe you are looking in the wrong places for friends. Many online sites are very sexually oriented. Anyone who makes nasty comments to you through most sites you can either report or block. Then the power is back in YOUR hands. Try changing your profile regularly..change your pictures and details.
Can you find any groups in your area that might have a shared non sexual interest to you, ie a hobby? Where i live we have Gay Ramblers and the like.
You really need to leave home. I know economically this might be very difficult, but you really have to try.
I hope you get some nice supportive replies on here and that we might make you feel that the Gay Community isnt all full of vile people!

[PadSpin]

As ever, wise words from SM!

[Ebenezer88]

Totally agree with SM .

With regard to the nasty comments you get from online dating sites, you have to think to yourself what kind of people would say things like that? I'm guessing not the kind of people you would want to be seen dead with anyway, so (and I know this is hard) just ignore them.
I've sent people winks and stuff and had polite replies saying "sorry, but you're not my type" and stuff like that. THAT proves that all the gay community aren't complete rude arseholes. The people who call you ugly/overweight etc. are just a bunch of dickheads, not even worth wasting a minutes sleep over.

It sounds like you have general confidence issues: living back at home, not working etc. Just look at this part of your life as temporary, it won't be like this forever, remind yourself of that every day. Do things you enjoy, no matter how small or trivial they are.

Also, remember that being called ugly/overweight are perceptions of people's types. I love larger guys, so somebody being "overweight" wouldn't bother me in the slightest if I liked them as a person.

Forget the past, forget nasty idiots and just concentrate on your future, one day at a time.

And have one of these .

[mac-blade]

Thanks Stretchmonkey and Ebenezer88 for the advice so far and I will take it to heart
Below I will try to expand on the few questions that have come up.

I have had very few compliments in my life so the negative things that have been said to me outweigh the positives in my mind and that's why it is so hard to ignore them.
I think I might not have put it quite right in my previous post but every guy I chat to seems to just want sex with me and normally they want to meet in a field, in a car park or want me to be part of a threesome.
I have only met 5 guys in my total time and so far I haven't really done much with any of them.
I know this will sound stupid coming from a guy my age but I guess I am afraid of sex because of performance issues, how I look naked and fear of catching any STI's.
I have looked for LGBT groups in my area but my part of Oxfordshire really isn't great place for LGBT people at the best of times.
I did have a place of my own but I was made redundant and haven't found any work yet so I was forced to live back with my parents with kind of humiliates me.

[justy_wusty]

Hey guys not that I am a pro but maybe look at my blog for some inspiration I have had a lot of people comment on how it has helped them.

link removed





Please do not post just to promote your blog (and if by a lot of people, you mean all of your three blog followers, then good luck with that)







This post has been edited by Tiuri: Jun 3 2012, 20:07

[justy_wusty]

Sorry by the lot of people I mean the 300 followers on facebook as well! Only set up the followers yesterday!

This post has been edited by justy_wusty: Jun 3 2012, 20:09

[Ebenezer88]

To the OP.

Firstly, what site are you actually going on because "every guy I chat to seems to just want sex with me and normally they want to meet in a field, in a car park or want me to be part of a threesome" seems to me like you're going on the wrong sites. That sounds almost like dogging?

The other thing I would say is don't focus too much on LGBT groups. I said earlier, take one day at a time, don't feel pressure to join groups/societies unless you absolutely want to and you think it's the best way forward for you.
Try to build up your confidence and that way you won't need the help of groups/societies. I was having a date with a 22 year old lad last week and I asked him to meet me in my local (very lovely) bar. He said there was no way he could do that. It was all due down to his confidence.

You're not fat, you're not ugly. You come across as a very decent young man who just doesn't know where to turn.

As I said before, take one day at a time. You'll have good days and bad days but hey! People want to have sex with you (even for the wrong reasons, so you can't be that much of a minger! )

Keep your chin up lad and let us know how you get on .

[mac-blade]

Thank you Ebenezer88 for those very kind and wise words.

It's true I have very low confidence and it needs to be improved.
I am looking into LGBT groups as I have no gay friends living close and I would like to make have some gay friends who I can talk to
so I don't feel alone as the town can be very homophobic.
The sites I have profiles on are mostly dating sites and a few of the big well known gay sites but that is the kind of chats I get from the guys in my area.
Most just want sex and some of the requests I have got from them would make your eye's spin lol
I will try to take it one step at a time and try to remember that my situation is only temporary and I will let everyone how it goes

[Mr Skinny]

I have low self-confidence and was bullied when younger/told I was ugly etc. (in my case, because of how thin I was) you are definitely not the only one. As for "performance" issues, feeling uncomfortable being naked, yup, I've got them too. But I've found the more you stress about them, the worse they build up in your mind, so maybe try not making such a big deal out of them to yourself. How close are you to Oxford? It is likely that in the city there will be more people and more varied people, maybe some shy postgraduate students that want to chat or date properly rather than meet in a field? Also more LGBT groups and support.

Finally, don't dwell on what your ex-girlfriends said. There are a lot of bitches out there, and I bet neither of them were perfect. They're not worth wasting your time remembering. There is someone out there for everybody. You seem have enough respect for yourself to not be pressurised into random carpark sex or doing something you're uncomfortable with doing, and a lot of people find that an attractive quality

[mac-blade]

Thank you Mr Skinny for the advice

I am so sorry to hear that you have been through the bullying and the same type of problems I have
I don't have any personal transport yet but I can get to oxford by train and it is only about 30+ mins away
I will take all the advice given to me to heart as it is very much welcome and appreciated

[YORKSHIRE GUY]

I agree that leaving home would probably be a positive step.

Why not seek work with accommodation? Or work which would enable you to move out? Even if sharing.

[Okto]

The vast majority of things people do, good or bad, to others are in fact about them, not the person they're doing them to. After all, why would people be mean to you, for you? It's an oxymoron, they're doing it entirely for themselves. Bleak and liberating really. Not all people are like this however. Thankfully. I worry most about those people now and increasingly less about the others.

Anyway, it was the day I realised this that I pretty much dumped all those old worries in the bin and never worried about them again. Maybe it works for others too.

[mac-blade]

Thank you Yorkshire guy and Okto for the wise words and advice

I totally agree that moving out would be a very positive step.
The problem I have is that I don't really have a wide range of skills so I am not
an ideal candidate now and also very few companies will take people on directly most
only take temp workers so it's very hard for me to make a long term plan

[Ebenezer88]

mac-blade.

Concentrate on one thing at a time, don't put yourself under too much pressure, you'll emotionally self implode. Look at the IMPORTANT things in your life that you want to change, the rest will (hopefully) start falling into place.

You come across in your posts as a lovely, genuine person. Concentrate on that, making new friends, building your confidence. If you're unhappy with your weight, start going for walks (I lost 2.5 stone and never even entered a gym, I just walked and really enjoyed it). You're not working so you have plenty of time on your hands. Also, when you walk, you bump into people. The slightest little chat that puts a smile on your face can massively boost your ego.

Please stay in touch and let us know how you're getting on. When you're lonely forums like this can make a massive difference.

[mac-blade]

Thank you so much Ebenezer88 what you have said really means a lot to me

I know I really need to just take things one step at a time as I have emotionally
imploded a few times because things just seemed insurmountable and if it wasn't
for my friends I might not be here now.

Congratulations on losing the weight I go out for walks as much as I can as
it is the only thing keeping me sane and out of the house. I try and walk at least a mile every day.

I promise to keep in contact on the forums with my progress

[YORKSHIRE GUY]

Also, when you walk, you bump into people. The slightest little chat that puts a smile on your face can massively boost your ego.

Dogging on foot?

[Okto]

Thank you Yorkshire guy and Okto for the wise words and advice

I totally agree that moving out would be a very positive step.
The problem I have is that I don't really have a wide range of skills so I am not
an ideal candidate now and also very few companies will take people on directly most
only take temp workers so it's very hard for me to make a long term plan

It's a tough time to be job hunting in general right now. You just have to see what you turn up, but also many people are spending some of this time on things like further education and taking courses. If the jobs aren't available, you maybe still can spend the time on something that's good for you?

[mac-blade]

Thanks again Okto

I completely agree that job hunting for anybody is very difficult at this time.
I am have been looking into maybe doing a few courses but I am not sure what ones to try and go for.
I haven't done many job types in my time, mostly retail and warehousing but at this moment I really don't mind what I do

[Okto]

Thanks again Okto

I completely agree that job hunting for anybody is very difficult at this time.
I am have been looking into maybe doing a few courses but I am not sure what ones to try and go for.
I haven't done many job types in my time, mostly retail and warehousing but at this moment I really don't mind what I do

I think it doesn't really matter what you try out right now. Things I thought I'd love I ended up hating, and vice versa. It's about the trying things out and discovering first hand really. Temp agency work can help, even a relatively basic position somewhere allows you to discover more about the type of work there (people are often very helpful if you're interested and make some opportunities), as well as short courses and volunteer work. The idea of a big plan is often promoted at the expense of the need to simply try stuff out for yourself before making long term commitments, so being unsure at the moment isn't any worry at all. When people say they don't know what to do next, I think that's an interesting place to be with lots of potential. It's not the situation to fear that so many people (old teachers and family being high on the list) I've met present it as. Just as long as you don't sign up to a big commitment without some first hand experience of what it's all about, it's all good to try stuff. You'll discover from experience what you want to do sooner or later, when the time comes. Experience is after all the one thing you will take everywhere with you for your whole life, so why it seems to be overlooked so much the time people may spend gaining it I don't understand.