Can I tell you a Joke?, a Man walks into a bar and says, "ouch!" Options

[gun_747]

Have u ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the Letters used to define bra sizes? But couldn't figure out what the letters stood for. Well its time you became informed! (A) Almost tits. ( Barely there. © Can't Complain! (D) Damn! (DD) Double Damn!(E) Enormous! (F) Fake. (G) Get a Reduction. (H) Help me I've fallen over and I can't get up!

[rustyrio]

My parents disowned me after I got a tattoo of a voucher on my forehead.

I hope I can redeem myself.

[dixie]

An octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play ANY musical instrument going. Try me."

An Englishman gives him a guitar which he plays better than Hendrix.

An Irishman gives him a piano which he plays better than Elton John.

Then a Scotsman throws him a set of bag pipes.

The Octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes and the Scotsman says "What’s wrong can ye no play it?"

The Octopus replies "Play it? I’m gonna fuck her brains out once I get her pyjamas off!"







WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:
Definitely not!

WIFE:
Why not? Don’t you like being married?

HUSBAND:
Of course I do.

WIFE:
Then why wouldn’t you remarry?

HUSBAND:
Okay, I’d get married again.

WIFE:
You would? (with a hurtful look on her face.)

HUSBAND:
(makes audible groan.)

WIFE:
Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:
Sure, it’s a great house.

WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new

WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:
No, she’s left-handed... Fuck...

This post has been edited by dixie: Jan 4 2012, 19:52

[dixie]

A man went hunting and killed a deer. He took it home and cooked it for his family.

When he calls the kids to the table they ask what it is.

The man says it’s what mummy calls him sometimes.

Hit little girl shouts "Dont eat it then, its a fucking arsehole"

[rustyrio]

The Octopus replies "Play it? I’m gonna fuck her brains out once I get her pyjamas off!"

[rustyrio]

After drinking heavily last night, I had sex with 3 women I'd never met before.

I licked strawberry cream from their vaginas and poured champagne all over their tits.

Afterwards we were starving, so I went downstairs and put some Rustler burgers in the microwave.

That's when the Channel 4 cameraman looked at me and said, "I'm afraid this is not suitable footage for Come Dine With Me."

[Astron]

[dixie]

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he’s being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn’t get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.

"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"

Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.

"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."

Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man’s balls, and says, "Okay, hand me your wallet or I’ll jump off the ladder!"





Peter decided to go skiing with his best mate, Bob. They loaded up Peter’s 4x4 and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I’m recently widowed," she explained, "and I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Peter said, "we’ll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow’s solicitor. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob’s face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I’m afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"






An old couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think we’ve been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "but we were probably sitting here stark naked fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we strip off ?"

So the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady said, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn’t be surprised," replied Gramps. "One’s in your coffee and the other is in your porridge."

This post has been edited by dixie: Jan 5 2012, 11:28

[dixie]

One day little Susie went into her back yard and found her dog, Muffles, lying dead with its legs up in the air.

She asked, "Daddy, Daddy, why is Muffles legs in the air?" Thinking quickly, her dad replied, "This way Jesus can come down and take Muffles to heaven easier."

The next day when Susie’s dad came home she ran up to him and said, "Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today."

Flustered, her father said, "Honey what happened?" And Susie said, "Well, Mommy’s legs were up in the air and she was screaming "Oh Jesus, I’m coming I’m coming" and if it wasn’t for Uncle Steve holding her down she would have been a gonner."

[dixie]

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

*** POOF ***

Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess."

*** POOF ***

She turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman’s cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

"Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** POOF ***

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:

"Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered."






A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?"

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

[devynethang]

Just FYI, I am steeling the one about the widow and her barn.

[goldeneye]

Nothing says "Your neighbors having a wank" When he checks his curtains are closed....


Twice.

[goldeneye]

I was in my bedroom having a sneaky wank before me and my mum went shopping when she suddenly knocked on my door and said "You coming?"

I thought to myself "How does she know".

[rustyrio]

How do you make a pirate angry?

Take the P out of him.

[devynethang]

How do you make a pirate angry?

Take the P out of him.

But remember, you can't spell slaughter without laughter!

[rustyrio]

Who will take the second shot in this snooker game?

Find out after the break...

[dixie]

Who will take the second shot in this snooker game?

Find out after the break...

That's really bad!

And not accurate either!

[devynethang]

Who will take the second shot in this snooker game?

Find out after the break...

I don't get it! Oh wait, is snooker like billiards? Then I think I get it. and shame on you!

This post has been edited by devynethang: Jan 10 2012, 14:47

[Astron]

You've really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can't reach it.

[rustyrio]

And not accurate either!

True, but it's still funny.